


Faith

by luxshine



Category: Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-21
Updated: 2011-03-20
Packaged: 2017-10-17 04:18:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxshine/pseuds/luxshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kevin has a strange visitor in his hands, and it's time to figure out what he really believes in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This particular plot bunny has been dancing around my head since February, when Turps33 posted some pictures of Chris during a golf tournament. In one of them, he looked as if he was shining. So I started going through it moving it, tossing it around and seeing how it would work. Unfortunately for my creative process, the bunny took on three very different shapes depending on whom I paired Chris with. Even worse, the three possibilities sounded intriguing. So I wrote Heaven's Eyes for Milosflaca's birthday, which was possibility #1, and started working with this that is possibility #2. There's possibility #3 in the works, but that will be left alone until I've written something else that doesn't include wings. Many, many thanks to Milosflaca who read enough drafts of this to learn some of the lines by heart, and to Otherdeb who kindly went and picked up every single instance where I said 'on' when I meant 'in' (Which was, btw, every single time in the fic) as well as all those pesky little details of writing style.

Kevin Richardson didn’t cry when his father’s casket was lowered to its final place.

He was 19 when his mother called him home from Orlando, to tell him that his father’s health had taken a turn for the worse.

He spent many nights in church with his mother, with his brothers, praying for a miracle that never c and ame. Kevin managed to say a final goodbye to his father, to hold his hand while sssitching his body wither away in pain.

He remembers the service before the funeral, when the priest talked about the eternal reward, about how his father was now away from all pain. His mom was silently crying behind him, but Kevin couldn’t cry. He could only think that the situation was unfair. His father, who was a nice, honest man who had never done anything wrong to anyone, who had gone to church every Sunday, who had raised his children with love, who respected his wife and helped his neighbors, had died in terrible pain. His father didn’t deserve that pain.

There wasn’t a reason for that suffering. Why would anyone allow his father to suffer so much? His father had taught him and his brothers that God’s love would take care for them, as long as they took care of each other. God would never leave them alone, no matter what. But God hadn’t eased his father’s pain. God hadn’t listened to his mother’s prayers.

The day his father was buried was the day Kevin Richardson realized that there was no God, and that he had no more use for blind faith.

* * *

May 29, 1993.

[The room is a mess]. That is Kevin’s first thought upon entering the place he has been calling home for the last month. Transcon has been good to them, despite all the problems they’ve had to keep a five member group, renting a small house so they could be ready for rehearsals and studio time all the time. Kevin’s room is on the second floor, and it has a window that faces to the small garden on the back.

The window is now broken, small pieces of glass scattered across the floor. It has been raining, and half of his stuff is soaking wet. The carpet is going to be hard to save. His bed is unmade, but it’s not empty. There’s something lying on the bed. No, someone…

It looks like a guy, although Kevin can’t say how old. The guy’s unconscious, and there’s a deep gash on his forehead, a clean wound that somehow doesn’t bleed. He has long, brown hair, small, delicate features, and is dressed in a wet white tunic that leaves nothing to the imagination. He’s lying on his right side, as if he had fallen through the window, even when Kevin can’t figure out how he managed to do that. His body is covered with glass --all of his body, including the part that Kevin doesn’t want to believe he is seeing.

The unconscious guy has wings. Long, beautiful, white wings that shine under the cold light of the full moon that illuminates the room. They look almost ethereal, like a dream or a shower of glitter and smoke. The right one is bent backwards, and it is obvious that it is not only because the guy, thing, whatever it is, is lying on top of it. Even from the door, the wing looks broken.

Not sure of what to do, Kevin walks closer to the bed, careful not to step on the glass. Half convinced it is a dream, he touches the left wing, the one that looks healthy. It’s real: soft and solid. It doesn’t feel like it is made of feathers, though. It feels like silk, if he just brushes his fingertips against it, and like his mother’s favorite angora sweater if he keeps his hand on it. As he moves his head to try and see the wings better, the feathers change color slightly, from white to pale blue, to pastel violet, to misty gray, to soft cream. They also have a faint smell like blueberries and honeysuckle. Very carefully, trying not to disturb his impromptu guest, Kevin cranes his neck, trying to see where the wings join the guy’s back, hoping to see a harness, even when he can see the guy’s chest through his tunic. The tunic has a very low back, practically going all the way down to the guy’s buttocks, and the wings come out right from the guy’s back, from between his shoulder blades.

Scared, but still wanting to get to the bottom of the mystery, Kevin reaches out to touch the place where the wings come out from. It’s hard as bone, but somehow, Kevin can’t help guessing that those bones are very fragile. He follows the arc of the broken wing with his eyes, and he can see the actual wing bone, exposed. Even so, it’s not bleeding. Kevin flinches, because even when it can’t be real since human beings do not have wings, it looks painful.

He remembers when he broke his arm. He had been seven or so at the time, and sometimes, he can still feel that pain. If those wings are connected to the guy’s back, and to his nervous system, it’s not difficult to imagine why the guy is unconscious. The guy probably fainted from the pain, not to mention the cold. Even though they’re in Florida, that flimsy tunic he is wearing cannot be a good protection from the rain.

Kevin is about to get up, maybe to call for help or to ask if anyone had put anything in his coffee when the strange creature opens his eyes.

It has the most beautiful brown eyes Kevin has seen in his whole life. They are the color of maple leaves, without a hint of black, and they remind Kevin of his childhood days.

In them, Kevin can see shock, surprise, but above all, immeasurable sadness.

* * *

“Holy fuck,” that is AJ’s voice.

“What the hell?” then comes Howie.

“No way,” that is Nick’s voice..

“Holy Mother of God,” and, finally, comes Brian. Kevin barely registers their voices, finishing a very improvised bandage on his visitor’s injured wing. After the winged guy had opened his eyes, he had flinched in pain. His right wing is broken, and although Kevin guesses that it will heal with time as long as it is set properly, he isn’t sure about it. He has nursed birds to health but a guy with wings is another matter completely. Kevin is pretty sure the situation isn’t covered in any medical text.

His visitor has been calm enough to allow him to finish the bandage, but when the others arrive he flinches, nervously, and starts flapping his healthy wing, as if trying to fly away like a scared parakeet. Before Kevin can stop him, he scrambles out of bed and corners himself in the space between the wall and the closet. It is only now when Kevin realizes how short his visitor is. He looks even shorter than Howie. In the corner, looking at them with his big expressive eyes filled with fear and confusion, his winged visitor reminds him of a scared kitten. Or a very big kid.

“It’s ok, they’re my friends,” Kevin says, very slowly. He doesn’t even know if the strange guy speaks English, but he doesn’t have a better idea. “Don’t be scared.”

“Kevin… is that what I think it is?” AJ asks, not moving from his spot at the door. Kevin can’t blame him. It isn’t every day that you see a winged man, injured or not – he refuses to think the other word, the word he knows AJ is thinking, the word he knows Brian has on the tip of his tongue. What is trembling like a kitten in his room is a winged man, a freak of nature, nothing more

* * *

“We can’t let anyone find him,” Howie says, a couple of hours later. Kevin hasn’t been able to get the winged man out of the corner, but at least the strange guy has stopped flapping his wings every time someone other than Kevin looks in his direction. “They would, like, try to cage him or something.”

“Maybe he could tell us where he coame from?” AJ proposes, still standing by the door, leaning on the wall. Although he has volunteered to carry garbage bags filled with glass to the trashcan, he still hasn’t come into the room. Kevin finds it somewhat amusing that AJ looks as scared as the winged man. But then, Kevin knows that AJ was as religious as his cousin, even if he doesn’t acknowledge it.

“I think it’s obvious where he comes from,” Brian shakes his head. “The question would be how is he going to go back.”

“The same way he came here?” Nick is mesmerized by the wings. Kevin doesn’t blame him. They are beautiful, and now that there is sunlight coming in through the window, they look as if they are shining, creating a faint rainbow that Kevin can see out of the corner of his eyes. “I mean, when he’s healed.”

“And what are we going to do until his wing heals?” Kevin asks them. He is not going to accept that his visitor is an angel. Angels don’t exist. “Someone is bound to notice him even if he stays in that corner.”

“Lock the door then,” Nick shrugs. “You can always say you want privacy or something”

“We have a tour starting next month.” It is useless to point that out, and Kevin knows it. The end of it is that he has an injured, winged man in his room and that he can’t, in good conscience, leave him to his own devices, even though the existence of a winged man is freaking him out.

“Well then, we better pray for him to get well before that,” Howie says, as if that is the answer to the problem. During all the exchange, Kevin feels the eyes of his visitor on his back. It is weird to be the focus of someone’s attention like that. He knows that if the group manages to lift off and get enough fame, they all will be the focus of cameras and fans, but he still doesn’t know if he can live with that. At least, he knows he can’t live with that so close to home. “Maybe we could bring him something to help his wing heal faster.”

“Like what?” AJ rolls his eyes. “Anything stronger than iodine is a bad idea if we don’t know what he is.”

“We need to call a doctor,” Howie says. “What if Kevin messed up and his wing doesn’t set properly?”

“A doctor or a veterinarian?” AJ quips. “Because I doubt there’s someone at the ER experienced enough to deal with this.”

“Do you think he has a name?” Nick interrupts, looking at them. “We can’t just call him ‘hey you’.”

“We are not naming it,” Kevin says. “If we name it, we’ll get attached to it.”

“It’s not a puppy, Kevin,” Howie protests.

“It is not an it!” Brian says. “I mean, he is not an it.”

“I’m going to get something to drink,” AJ tells them from the door, walking away. “But I think they’re right, Kevin. We really can’t call him ‘hey you’.”

Kevin sighs. Apparently, his friends’ common sense had flown out of the window when their visitor crashed through.

* * *

Despite Nick’s best attempts, Kevin’s visitor doesn’t tell them his name. In fact, he doesn’t speak at all, and Kevin isn’t sure if it is because he is afraid, or because the wound on his head is worse than it looks, even if it’s not bleeding. Brian, on the other hand, apparently has seen The Little Mermaid a lot of times, since he tries proposing many names to the winged man to see if one of them is his name. To Kevin it doesn’t even look as if the guy understands what is going on. He just keeps staring at them, eyes wide open in fear. It looks to Kevin as if he’s not focusing on them, but on the wall behind them, and Kevin decides that the creature is probably in shock.

“Gabriel?”

The creature shakes his head, and Kevin starts to lose his patience. They have been at it for at least half an hour.

“Michael?”

“Brian, are you going to go through all the biblical names you know?” Kevin asks, interrupting his cousin. He is tired; he wants to go to sleep. And since Brian knows a lot of biblical names by heart, Kevin fears this naming session will go on for hours.

“Do you have a better idea?” Brian asks, obviously not happy at the interruption. “Jeremiah?”

“Maybe he can write us his name down for us?” Kevin suggests. “I have pen and paper somewhere around here.”

The creature lowers his head, as if ashamed, and Kevin realizes that he does understand them.

“And what if he doesn’t speak English? Or if he doesn’t know how to write?” Nick points out, missing the way in which the winged man jumps a little when he hears them, startled. Nick is carrying a bunch of his old comic books. “It wouldn’t help at all. We could call him Warren.”

“Warren?” Kevin repeats at the same time the creature shakes his head no. Apparently, he likes the name even less than Kevin does. “Why Warren?”

“You know, like Warren Worthinghton III, the Archangel from X-men,” Nick says, sitting next to the winged man and handing a comic book to everyone. “You don’t like it? We can pick another one. I have a ton of comics, and we can look for different names in case he doesn’t like the ones Brian knows.”

The winged man shakes his head again, more vigorously, making Nick laugh. Then, cautiously, he grabs one of the comic books on the floor, while Brian keeps listing biblical names.

“Uriel? John? Joseph? Moses? Abraham?”

“This is stupid,” Kevin sighs, opening the comic that Nick has handed him.

“Can’t you help?” Howie asks, offering him a can of soda. He and AJ have volunteered to bring up refreshments. “Between the five of us, we might find a name he likes.”

“Whatever,” Kevin looks at the comic book page and starts to read names out loud. “Scott, Xavier, Stan, Jim, Chris…”

“Wait! He likes that!” Nick interrupts, and Kevin looks up at the creature.

Sure enough, he is smiling, pointing at Kevin. And it is a beautiful smile, one that makes the guy’s eyes shine even more.

“So your name is Christopher?” Brian asks, cautiously. The winged man, ‘Chris’, nods brightly.

“You understand us?” Kevin adds, and the answer is another nod. “But you can’t talk?”

This time, the answer is a blink, followed by a brief negative shake. Kevin is about to ask if that meant ‘No, I can’t talk’ or ‘No, I can talk’, when Brian stops him.

“I don’t think we should interrogate him.”

“Why not?”

“Well, we know where he comes from. You don’t question that!” Brian points to the white wings on Chris’s back.

“Brian, never mind the wings! We don’t know where he comes from!” Kevin yells. “That’s the whole point of asking!”

“Not even you can deny the evidence before your eyes!” Brian gets up from the floor and points at Chris, who retreats further back into his hiding place, looking scared. Kevin gets up from the bed too, and realizes that the yelling is scaring Chris.

“Evidence? What evidence? What I see before my eyes is a guy with wings. That’s all. A very scared guy with a broken wing, so if we’re going to help him we could probably try to keep the bible thumping to a minimum,” Kevin lowers his voice. He doesn’t want to spook Chris even more.

“Oh, come on, Kevin!” Brian follows his example and lowers his voice too, but Kevin can see his cousin is really angry. “You know, I understand why you feel this way, but you *can’t* be blind to the fact that this is a *miracle*! How can you deny it when an *angel* is on your bed?!”

* * *

Around eleven, Kevin throws everyone out of his room. They have to wake up early the next day, and he has no intention of being the one to explain to Lou why they are half asleep at rehearsal. He is pretty sure he is going to be in trouble for the broken window anyway, he doesn’t want to add insult to injury.

Chris hasn’t moved, but Kevin thinks that maybe he looks at him with less fear. Before going to bed, he gets out one of the blankets he brought from home and hands it to the frightened man, as well as a pillow. Kevin doesn’t know if Chris needs to sleep, but no one is going to spend the night cold in his room.

When the alarm starts ringing Kevin opens his eyes to find his visitor looking at him. At some point of the night, Chris got out from his corner, and is now precariously perched on the edge of the bed, knees touching his chest, covering his body with the blanket Kevin had given him. For the first time since Kevin meet him, the stranger doesn’t look frightened. He looks thoughtful. Kevin wonders exactly how is it that he can keep his balance, and he guesses that maybe the wings have something to do with it.

“Good morning, Chris?” Kevin asks, and is rewarded with a small smile. Chris raises his hand and touches Kevin’s cheek, an action that startles Kevin. “Are you asking me if I had a good night?”

The stranger nods, still smiling.

“Well, even with the broken window, it wasn’t a cold night. I was fine,“ Kevin elaborates. Chris only blinks at that, frowning slightly. “I am not blaming you for the window, although I would love to know how did you manage to fall through my window.”

Chris frown deepens at Kevin’s words. He looks sad, but Kevin is not going to apologize. There are no tall buildings around, and he has no idea how Chris got there. He refuses to believe he just flew through the glass.

Chris opens his mouth, as if to speak, but no sound comes off it. He closes it, blinks, and opens it again, looking frightened to Kevin, who is somewhat confused.

“What’s wrong?” Kevin asks.

Chris shakes his head, opens his mouth again, only to close it, as if resigned.

“You honestly can’t speak, can you?” Kevin asks. He remembers one time, when he was a lot younger, thirteen or so, that he had been sick with a cold. His throat had been raw, and he had been unable to talk for a week. Chris’s expression reminds him of that time.

Chris takes a deep breath, and shakes his head no.

“But you could talk before the accident?”

Chris looks at him, his mouth a tight line. But before he can answer, a knock on the door distracts Kevin so he doesn’t see Chris’s quick nod.

“Who is it?” Kevin asks. Chris jumps from the bed gracefully, landing on his tiptoes. He rushes to his corner, and Kevin realizes that he never felt the mattress shift under Chris’s weight.

“We bring breakfast,” Nick’s voice comes from behind the door. Chris seems to recognize a ‘friendly’ voice, since he straightens up, looking at the door with childlike curiosity. Kevin sighs. It’s going to be a long day.

“Come on in,” Kevin calls out and the door opens to let Nick and Brian in. Nick is carrying a tray with four bowls, cereal and milk on it, while Brian is helping with a bowl filled with small apple pieces. Curious, Chris follows Nick, and, with another swift jump that would be the envy of many athletes, perches himself on the back of the chair of Kevin’s desk, where Nick lowers his tray.

Brian follows Chris with his eyes, and then turns to see Kevin, raising his eyebrow as if to say ‘Well, how do you explain that?’ Kevin rolls his eyes, refusing to answer the gesture. The truth is that he can’t explain Chris’s agility, or the way in which he balances his body weight just on his tiptoes.

“I hope you like cereal,” Nick tells Chris, unaware of the looks that pass between Kevin and Brian, and Chris smiles at the kid. Kevin can’t help but smile too. At least their visitor is not going to die of hunger.

“Where are Howie and AJ?” Kevin asks, looking at his cousin.

“AJ said he wanted to have breakfast in the kitchen,” Brian answers. “Howie is there to keep him company. I think Christopher makes AJ nervous.”

“Chris makes me nervous,” Kevin says without thinking. He doesn’t notice the hurt look on Chris’s face. “How are we going to keep him a secret?”

“Maybe we could cover his wings with something?” Nick suggests, while he finishes serving a cereal bowl with milk and apple, offering it to Chris. Chris, who seems to have decided that Nick is safe, takes the bowl with curiosity, as if he has never seen one. He puts it carefully on the table again, and looks at the small pieces of fruit and cereal floating on the milk. “Maybe a trench coat?”

“I don’t think a trench coat is going to work in Florida, Nick,” Kevin looks at the wings, folded neatly on Chris’s back, and the bandage. Chris seems unaware of the conversation going behind him, since he’s busying himself by fishing the little cereal pieces with his hand, dripping milk over the already ruined carpet. “Brian, do you think he can stay for a while in your room?”

“Sure, I’ll be honored if he wants to,” Brian answers. He walks towards Chris, grabs a spoon from the tray and, carefully, and deliberately, shows Chris how to use it. Chris blinks, grabs the spoon from Brian’s hand and smiles, before imitating his movements. Kevin realizes that Chris has never used a spoon before, judging by the way he practices before actually using it to eat the cereal. “Why?”

“Lou will want to replace the window,” Kevin points out. “And if Lou sees Chris, you can bet he’ll end up in the first page of every newspaper in the country, so if we’re going to keep him safe, he’ll need to be in another room.”

* * *

Getting Chris to Brian’s room proves to be quite difficult, since the guy doesn’t seem to want to move away from Kevin’s room, but at the end, they manage to do so when Brian explains to Chris exactly what is going to happen if someone else besides the five of them saw him. Chris stays still for a moment, before cocking his head to the side, and narrowing his eyes. Kevin is sure that he is not actually paying attention to what Brian is saying, but then Chris nods and follows them meekly.

Kevin tries to function that day as normally as he can. It is hard, with his band mates theorizing about Chris every time they are alone, before their presentation of the day, before the rehearsal. Brian, Nick and Howie are convinced that Chris is an angel, because, really, what else can he be, and that there has to be a really big reason for him to have fallen down from heaven to Kevin’s bedroom. AJ doesn’t seem to have an opinion about it, but Kevin is ready to hit the library as soon as he can. There has to be an explanation for Chris’s wings, and biblical explanations aren’t going to cut it for him. Kevin believes that maybe Chris escaped from a circus, because that’s the only place he can figure a weird man with wings who acts like a bird would have come from.

Kevin also spends most of the morning worrying that someone will find Chris in Brian’s room and either start a cult or call the cops. Not that Brian isn’t halfway creating a cult around Chris. Kevin has stopped talking to his cousin because if he hears the word miracle one more time, Lou is going to have to find a new fifth since Kevin will kill his cousin and hide the body.

Although, if he is honest with himself, he has to admit that he was also worried about what can happen if no one finds Chris because Chris can’t stay with them. Lou has told them they are going to do a tour all over the States. What are they going to do with Chris when that happens?

* * *

Kevin’s worries are unfounded, since they arrive to their house to find Chris perched on top of Brian’s bed’s headboard, watching the small portable TV that Brian had brought from home. Apparently, either Chris has gotten over his fear of people, or he can recognize their footsteps because he doesn’t try to hide when Brian opens the door to his room.

He seems to be enjoying the Mickey Mouse Club.

“Hey, Chris!” Nick greets happily. “We have food!”

They stopped at a McDonalds earlier and bought Big Macs for everyone including Chris. Chris smiles, accepting the gift. At first, Chris doesn’t seem to know what to do with the bag, so Brian again teaches him to open it, and unwrap the hamburger when Chris tries to take a bite of the paper envelope.

They eat together, and Kevin has to admit that he has never seen someone eat a Big Mac with such glee. It is as if Chris has never have one, so Kevin mentally files the possibility of Chris being raised in a very closed environment, maybe a carnival or even a laboratory. And if the Big Mac was a big success, the coke is definitely Chris’s favorite, as he practically inhales his soda. Kevin, amused, gives Chris his own glass. He has never met someone who liked soda so much.

While they eat, Nick and Brian tell Chris about their day, and Kevin takes his time to inspect Chris’s wings. There’s no blood on the bandage, not that he can see anyway and he doesn’t dare to change it less than 24 hours after the accident. He is still worried because he never saw any blood. Chris’s head wound looks like an old scar now, and the wing’s skin is starting to mend, but there is no scab. It’s another medical mystery, and Kevin knows his cousin will use the lack of blood as yet another reason why they should be calling a priest. As Chris silently laughs at the things Nick is saying, Kevin realizes that when Chris laughs, he moves his shoulders and shrugs his wings, but the right one, the hurt one, barely moves.

Kevin wishes they could take him to a hospital. He’s no expert, and he had bandaged the wing remembering what his father taught him about first aid, but Kevin knows that if he set Chris’s wing wrong, Chris could end up crippled for life.

He doesn’t believe Chris could fly before the accident. His wings might look the part of every image done of angels, but they’re too small to sustain someone of his size. Still, Kevin doesn’t know what would happen to the winged man if his wing doesn’t heal properly. He doesn’t want to find out.

“He’s going to need clothes,” AJ suddenly says, pulling Kevin out of his thoughts. “He can’t go around the house like a hospital patient.”

“I still think a jacket would help,” Nick insists, sitting next to Chris, who amazingly, smiles at the kid. Kevin guesses that part of Chris’s fear the day before was due to the pain of his broken wing and the surprise of being surrounded by strangers. Now, a mere 24 hours later, Chris seems a lot more confident among them. He learns fast, Kevin realizes when Chris starts eating his ice cream with a spoon, just like Brian taught him. “Maybe a poncho!”

“I have a poncho my dad gave to me,” Howie volunteers. “I think it would cover the wings pretty well, if he can fold them completely.”

“Let’s wait a week before he tries that,” Kevin says, before Chris can try to show them if his right wing folded completely. “And maybe one of you could lend him some pants? I don’t think mine will fit him.”

Chris smiles at him, a beautiful, sincere smile and Kevin can’t help but return it.

* * *

The poncho does work, and somehow by the time the tour starts, Kevin finds himself explaining to Lou that Chris is ‘Howie’s mute cousin’ who needs to stay with Howie for a while. Kevin is sure he would have never been able to convince Lou, but thankfully Nick adored Chris, so Nick had asked his mom to talk with their manager, and there were very few things that Jane Carter couldn’t get when she wanted something for her son’s career. Kevin is grateful to her, but he knows it doesn’t matter anyway. He and the others had decided to put their money together to get Chris enough bus tickets to go with them everywhere if things got to that extreme.

But for some reason Kevin doesn’t really understand, Lou likes Chris. Lou, who usually worries about budgets, and the group being seen with girlfriends, or acting out of their given roles, likes Chris almost as much as he likes the other guys in the group. Lou even jokes that if Chris wasn’t mute, he would have a place in Transcon as a singer, something that Chris always listens to with a puzzled expression. Lou won’t spend money for another hotel room, or even a second bus so the five and Chris can travel more confortably, but he likes Chris enough to offer him a part time job as the Boys’ personal assistant. Part of the very small crew they have. Chris’s job consists in following them around, making sure they don’t need anything. Kevin finds it funny, because the truth is that the five of them are always alert to whatever Chris needs.

While Kevin has his doubts about housing six people in a five-person bus, Chris proves him wrong because even when he should, the winged man doesn’t take much space at all. No matter where he is perched, there’s always space around Chris. Chris spends the nights perched on the couch keeping watch over them. Kevin knows because when he wakes up in the middle of the night he can see Chris looking at him. Kevin suspects that Chris doesn’t sleep at all

Within days, Chris is part of their routine. Except for the times when Chris ends up glued to the tv – besides watching the Mickey Mouse Club, Chris also seems to have a soft spot for cartoons -- the winged man is always near them and Kevin realizes that he has different quirks and habits around them.

When he is with Nick, it is as if Chris is 15 years old, too, and only the weight of his hidden wings stops Chris from being as active as the kid. Seeing him jump around, playing hoops with Nick when Brian is too tired, Kevin wonders if Chris is actually 15. Kevin wonders when Chris’ birthday is, and if he has family worried about their strange kid. Chris also accompanies Nick when Nick has to do his homework, watching him write, perched on top of the back of Nick’s chair when no one is looking.

Kevin still doesn’t know how Chris manages to keep his balance.

Chris spends a lot of time learning from Brian, something that worries Kevin for many reasons. The first reason is, of course, that he doesn’t want his cousin’s religious ideas influencing Chris. The second, and perhaps more immediate, is that Chris needs to learn everything. From holding a spoon, to sitting on a chair like a normal human being, to dressing himself – and that’s a particular experience that Kevin is not going to forget any time soon - is it as if Chris had lived away from civilization all his life. Chris is picking some of Brian’s habits, like cutting fried eggs with a knife and not just with his fork. Kevin doesn’t know what to think about that.

As the weeks pass, AJ loses his nervousness around the winged man. In just a week, he starts getting annoyed by Chris’s weirdest habit: Everytime AJ lits a cigarette, Chris will be there to pluck it out from his fingers, or even his lips. Kevin doesn’t know how Chris does it, and he applauds the winged man for his tenacity because while he agrees that AJ shouldn’t smoke, he also knows they have no right to actually do something about it. Chris doesn’t care, and he seems to have a smoke detector in his brain, because even when AJ is hidden from view, Chris will be there, ready to take the offending tobacco stick away.

Howie seems to take Chris’s existence a lot easier than Kevin and Brian. He doesn’t try to evangelize the winged man, and he doesn’t overanalyze him either. Where Brian teaches Chris about how to function in society without being discovered, Howie teaches Chris music, putting different records from every single artist he can find for the winged man to hear. Chris loves music, and he has a growing list of favorites from what Howie shows him. During those times, while Chris is listening to whatever Howie found, Howie takes his time to brush Chris’s long hair.

They also discover quickly that trying to cut Chris’s hair is an impossible task. Even when they can cut it without any problem, as soon as they finish, it grows again, so fast that they can see it move, always up to Chris’s middle back. So Howie braids it, and ties it, and brushes it, every chance he has, because he says he doesn’t want Chris’s hair to get knotted or dirty.

Kevin is sure that Howie was a hairdresser in a past life.

Sometimes, when they’re rehearsing, Kevin sees Chris nodding at nothing, as if he was listening to someone only he can see. Chris always looks sad when that happens, and sometimes, he even cries. Kevin doesn’t like to see him sad, but it helps cement his theory that Chris escaped from a carnival tent. If Chris is a freak, if he has been treated as a freak all his life, maybe he has imaginary friends. Someone to talk to, when no one talks to him. Kevin is now convinced that Chris escaped and, somehow, ended up crashing through his window. The somehow is still not clear in his theory, but it explains why Chris fixated on Kevin. Chris might see Kevin as his savior.

Chris does seem happier following Kevin. Every night, he waits until Kevin finishes whatever he is doing to let him check his wing, even when the others offer to help change the bandages, Chris doesn’t let them, flapping his healthy wing in a very clear gesture of ‘stop! Get away!’, like a mother scolding her kid when she catches him with his hand inside the cookie jar. Only Kevin has permission to take off the bandage, check the healing wing and wrap it up again.

Kevin takes advantage of that. While he doesn’t know how to react to Chris’s attention, he uses his time to try and figure out the mystery of Chris’s origins.

“Where do you come from?” He asks one day, checking the bandage on the room that Lou has gotten for the whole band. The others are outside, keeping watch so no one will try to enter until Chris’s wings are safely hidden.

Chris looks at him, his expressive brown eyes twinkling, and then he looks up, at the ceiling, smiling, just before shrugging in a way that pretty much says ‘I’m from everywhere’.

“Why are you here?” Kevin tries again, pressing on the matter. While he knows that Chris can’t answer with more detail than a yes or no, he also knows that when Chris wants, he makes the effort to communicate. When Chris doesn’t try, Kevin knows that it’s because Chris wants to hide something.

Chris finally points to the window, then to his wing that looks a lot better. He can flap it without wincing although he still moves it with visible effort.

“You’re here because you fell through my window and your wing was hurt?” Kevin guesses. Chris smiles brightly at him, nodding.

That’s not exactly a good answer, since Kevin knew that already.

“When are you going back to wherever you come from?” Kevin keeps pressing. He can’t interrogate Chris when Brian is around because Brian gets angry. Brian says that Kevin shouldn’t question miracles, but since Kevin doesn’t share his cousin’s beliefs he tries, at least once every week, to get straight answers from the winged man. He doesn’t mention the words ‘Heaven’, ‘Angel’ or ‘God’ in front of Chris, because he figures that Brian does that more than enough times. Chris is not an angel, Kevin knows, and making him believe he is could be dangerous for Chris.

Chris shrugs, moving his wing a little. ‘When I heal’, Kevin’s mind translated. The wing looks pretty healthy to him now except for the fact that when Chris moves it, the movements look hesitant. It has been three months since Chris arrived, and doing mental calculations, Kevin theorizes that it is healing a lot slower than a broken arm would. Once again, he swallows his fear that he didn’t set the wing right.

“Why do you follow me so much?”

That is the question that burns into Kevin’s mind most of the time. He could try to understand why a winged man would focus on Brian. Hell, he spent the first week waiting for some wacko to come and try to convince them that Chris was from his church and donate money for them. But every one who knew Kevin knew he was not one for myths, smoke and mirrors. Kevin is practical, rational man.

Chris simply smiles, grabs Kevin’s hand, pushes it to Kevin’s chest, then to his own wing.

“Because I helped you?” Kevin asks for some clarification. The gesture is not exactly clear and he has never been good at charades.

Chris smiles, shaking his head no. But in mid-shake he stops, and then nods once, determined. It only helps to frustrate Kevin more.

Despite the fact that Kevin finds Chris’s mere existence annoying – a man with wings shouldn’t exist - Kevin also likes Chris. Like everyone around them, he likes to see Chris smile.

Because of that, he spends quite some time watching Chris, trying to find clues to his true origin. Chris knows when he is being watched, and sometimes he does certain things that infuriate Kevin. Like shrugging his wings, under the trench coats and ponchos, in a way that they shed a couple of beautiful, unearthly feathers that then Kevin will pick up before someone else notices them. Or stay perched on chairs, headboards and practically every horizontal surface, just balancing his whole body weight on just his tip toes.

Kevin has a big wooden box, hidden beneath his bunk bed, filled with white feathers that feel like silk, smell like honey and blueberries, and shine as if they were always covered in dew.

There are a lot of things about Chris that Kevin hopes no one will notice. The fact that everyone likes Chris is one. The way in which every single animal around them seems to follow Chris, at least for a little while, is another. Birds will perch on his shoulders, the meanest security dogs will end up asleep at his feet. Once, Kevin saw a hummingbird stop on Chris’s finger for a few seconds.

It is disconcerting, like watching a Disney princess come to life, only male and without the singing.

“That’s our proof, right there,” Howie says, watching a big Doberman, that belonged to the security detail of the mall where they are going to sing, wag his tail like a little puppy while Chris scratches it behind the ears. “He can only be a creature of heaven.”

“It’s just because he is not afraid of it,” Kevin rolls his eyes as he speaks, trying to ignore the bright blue butterfly that is resting on top of Chris’s head. “Dogs only attack if you are afraid of them.”

But as good as that explanation is about dogs, it still doesn’t explain the butterflies.

* * *

Kevin likes to play the piano. He doesn’t have much time to do so with their newest schedule, going from shopping mall to shopping mall, but whenever he has some free time – and a piano nearby - he will play for a while.

The band with whom they travel knows that, and so, from time to time, they let him play at nights on the keyboard, before packing everything up for the next stop of the promotional tour.

Every time that happens, Chris is there, listening to him play.

By the middle of September, Chris’s wing looks completely healed, but Chris still moves it with extreme care. While the movements of his left wing are swift, like waves crashing on the beach, or clouds drifting in the wind, his right wing moves slowly, robotic. Like if Chris is relearning how to use it.

It is about then when Kevin discovers another of Chris’s weird habits. Whenever they are alone in the rehearsal room, when no one can see his wings, Chris takes off whatever he’s wearing that covers them, the trench coats and ponchos. He stands in front of the mirrors, and carefully, extends his left wing in a movement that reminds Kevin of warm up exercises, from the center of his back in a soft arc. Then Chris repeats the movement with his right wing, flinching at first when the wing doesn’t move, and smiling as the days pass and his wing moves more and more gracefully.

Kevin’s only guess is that he is trying to figure out if the wing is healing right. Not for the first time, he wishes that Chris had crashed through a doctor’s window, not his own. One night he realizes that he’s watching a countdown. When Chris’s wing heals, something will happen.

The problem is that he likes Chris’s attention. Even when they are starting to build a very small fanbase, even when girls scream his name while they sing, it doesn’t compare to the warmth he feels when Chris smiles at him.

He will only admit it to himself, but he has grown to like Chris. Impossible wings and all.

He isn’t the only one. The others adore Chris, who can match Nick and Brian’s energy all the time, who pays attention to AJ and Howie, who always has a smile for every person who will come near him.

As the months pass, they stop arguing about Chris’s origins. The others are still convinced Chris is an angel, and for the sake of semantics, Kevin agrees that the only thing one can call a guy with wings is ‘angel’, even when he still refuses to even listen to any metaphysical explanation and he won’t use that word out loud. For him, Chris is just Chris. He is sure that Chris probably escaped from a freakshow, a mutation that somehow has escaped the notice of tabloids and medical reports. It doesn’t really matter, since Chris is there. Kevin, despite all his original suspicions, has decided that it is better not to question from where Chris comes from. Judging by Chris’s sad smiles, maybe it’s too painful for his friend to remember that.

Now Kevin doesn’t want Chris to go. But he can’t fool himself into thinking that Chris will stay. His wing is getting better every day.

Trying not to depress himself thinking too much about it, he starts playing I believe I can fly from memory. He plays it slow, trying to remember all the notes. When he finishes the first verse, he looks up to see Chris standing next to him, without the black trench coat that AJ has gotten him that day, his wings folded.

“You can’t fly, can you?” Kevin asks. He bites his tongue as soon as the question comes out of his lips. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that he still fears that he set Chris’s wing wrong. He fears that maybe that is why Chris can’t leave.

As his answer, Chris unfolds his wings completely and flaps them sadly. Nothing happens, and Chris looks up before smiling at Kevin, resigned. His white feathers shine silver under the moonlight reminding Kevin of the night when Chris crashed into his life.

“But you could fly, couldn’t you?” Kevin asks again, and for the first time, he voices the impossible possibility that he has refused to believe since that night.

Chris nods, and there is such sadness in that nod that Kevin just has to believe Chris.

Despite that everything points to the scientific fact that it’s impossible for a man with wings to fly, Kevin can easily picture Chris soaring the sky.

“I’m sorry, I must have fucked it up somehow,” Kevin apologizes, unable to hide the guilt he feels. But Chris puts his hand on Kevin’s chest, his warm hand makes Kevin feel better, and smiles brightly. Chris flaps his wings again, and now Kevin realizes that the right one moves softer than the day before. It is slowly getting better.

“You don’t think I messed your wing?”

Chris shakes his head no, and puts his hands on the keyboard, cocking his head.

Getting the hint, Kevin starts to play again.

* * *

“I’m starting to think you like Chris.”

Kristen is the one who brings it up, and when she does, it catches Kevin by surprise. They are back in Orlando, licking their wounds after a contract with Mercury didn’t pan out, and Kristen visits them at their house once in a while.

Like everyone else in their lives, she loves Chris within minutes of meeting him.

“What are you talking about?” Kevin shakes his head, walking trough the park. Nick and Brian are playing hoops, and Chris is watching them, once again wearing the heavy poncho Howie lent him. “Every body likes Chris.”

“Oh, no, Kevin. You can’t use that excuse. You know what I mean,” Kristin insists, sadly. “Kevin, I’ve seen you looking at him. You’re always looking at him, even with that weird hump the poor dear has.”

Kevin has no answer to that, because deep down, he knows he watches Chris a lot more than he should. He rationalizes it as being that if he doesn’t keep an eye on Chris, he could do something that makes everyone discover his secret. And someone has to make sure that Chris eats something that is not made of sugar because even though Chris likes Big Macs, and the wonder that is Twinkies, he always accepts whatever new thing they want him to eat. Howie buys Chris ice cream every time he can, and Brian can’t tell Chris no. So the only one who can keep Chris from diabetic shock is Kevin. He watches Chris because he still thinks he can figure out the puzzle of Chris’s existence just by staring. Kevin can tell himself that, and a thousand other excuses, but the truth is that he likes to watch Chris, because from time to time Chris will raise his head, look at him and smile. Kevin likes to see Chris smile, and when he admits that he realizes that he is acting like a love-struck fool.

“Someone needs to keep an eye on Chris,” Kevin says, not elaborating. At that instant, as if he knows they are talking about him, Chris raises his head and waves to them.

“Whatever you say,” Kristen rolls her eyes, obviously not believing him. “You know I’m here for you, Kev. We have been friends for way too long for me to just stop talking to you because of this, and if you need someone to show the press you’re Mr. Straight, I’ll be here. But I think he likes you a little bit too, so I think you should go for it.”

Kevin doesn’t answer Kristen, his attention is focused on Chris who has turned to watch Brian and Nick play again. At this distance, it seems as if Chris has a couple of flowers stuck in his long hair, but Kevin knows from experience that they are probably butterflies. After birds, butterflies are the ones that constantly end up flying around Chris. At first, Kevin found that sickening. Now, he fears to admit, he finds it sweet.

But he’s not going to talk to Chris about that. While Kevin is still surprised at the speed in which Chris has learned all the things that they’ve taught him, he still acts like a child sometimes. It’s that childlike innocence that makes Kevin feel uncomfortable when he thinks about Chris in a less platonic way. Chris trusts them, he trusts them to teach him how to act and Kevin doesn’t want to risk Chris thinking that he has to return Kevin’s feelings because it’s another lesson. Second, and more important, Kevin still knows that they will eventually have to let Chris fly free. Kevin wants to believe that if he doesn’t talk about his feelings, it will hurt less when Chris leaves.

It’s only much after when he realizes that he never told Kristen that he wasn’t gay. It is then when he realizes that even if he isn’t gay, he really is attracted to Chris.

* * *

Kevin can’t believe his luck for Christmas.

In theory, Chris should’ve spent Christmas with the Dorough family, since he is supposed to be Howie’s cousin. However, even when Howie would’ve perfectly fine with having Chris over for a week and a half, he knows it was going to be impossible to explain where Cousin Chris had come from in the middle of a family reunion with all his uncles and aunts included. AJ’s family is planning a trip out of the States, and since Chris doesn’t have a passport, or even a legal ID, he can’t travel with them. Nick is thrilled at the idea of Chris staying with him, but Jane seems convinced that Chris should spend Christmas with his own family. In the end, though Kevin has no exact idea of how it happened, Chris ends up on a bus with him and Brian to spend Christmas with the Richardsons and the Littrells.

Brian has asked Chris, at least three times, if he didn’t have anywhere else to be on Christmas, his meaning clear. But Chris smiles at them, hugs them close, and apparently considers the subject closed.

Kevin isn’t sure what to think about the fact that Chris wants to spend Christmas with them. For a week he has nightmares of what will happen if anyone else in his deeply religious family finds out about Chris’s wings. Chris doesn’t seem care a lot about religious symbols, from any faith, which cements Kevin’s opinion regarding Brian’s theory. If angels exist, they probably would be as religious as his younger cousin, and Chris usually spends Sunday mornings with Kevin, not at church.

His mother receives Chris with open arms, something that in hindsight shouldn’t have surprised Kevin, and soon it is as if Chris is another cousin in the big family, surrounded by his younger brothers and cousins, being mothered by all the women in the house. Chris is like that, a people magnet. Kevin can’t imagine someone disliking Chris.

He knows that the others have decided that anyone who could dislike Chris is not someone they want to meet. Kevin himself figures that anyone who actively disliked Chris was probably a sorry excuse for a human being because, wings and mysterious origin notwithstanding, Chris is the most easygoing person in the world.

Kevin tries not to think what would happen if the others discover that he likes Chris a bit too much. Especially his cousin, who would probably have a couple of Bible verses ready for the occasion.

Of course, he should’ve known better than let his cousin Martha explain to Chris the tradition of the mistletoe. Just like every time he learns something new, Chris takes kissing under the mistletoe as his new purpose on life. To Kevin’s chagrin, Chris has made his personal mission to kiss everyone on the cheek at least once. Kids twice as often. By midnight on Christmas day, the only one in the whole house who hasn’t been kissed by Chris is Kevin. Whether it is luck, or Chris was avoiding him on purpose, Kevin doesn’t know. What he does know is that he feels left out.

Around three a.m, after tossing and turning and being unable to sleep without the snoring of his band mates as background noise, Kevin goes down to the living room, hoping that he won’t wake up anyone. He isn’t surprised when he sees Chris outside, wings unfolded, watching the night sky.

“Someone could see you, Chris,” Kevin says, going out. It is the warning he always give his friend when Chris opens his wings outside their bus or bedrooms, where someone can see him. Unfortunately, those times are the only ones when Chris can unfold his wings completely. This time, however, seems a bit different. He’s not flexing them as he does in front of the mirror, he just unfolded them, and Kevin frowns a little. They look bigger, somehow. He realizes that he has never seen them completely open like this. Chris turns around and smiles at him. He is wearing a pair of jeans that Howie helped him buy with his meager assistant’s salary, but no shirt. His hair is loose, falling over his shoulders, curling a little at the tips. Under the lights of the street, Chris really does look the part of an angel, one of those angels in the Christmas movies that Kevin’s mom and aunt love so much. For a brief instant, Kevin looks up, half expecting a sudden snowfall in the middle of Kentucky. It’s impossible, but with Chris around, Kevin comes to realize that the impossible could very well happen. A guy with wings, a surprise snowfall, and the only thing missing would be Scrooge yelling Merry Christmas to everyone.

Chris shrugs, as if it is not important that someone could see him, and, with a movement of his head, invites Kevin to come next to him on the porch. Kevin sighs, wondering when he had stopped denying things to Chris. Kristen was right all along, it seems, and Kevin doesn’t know what to do with that knowledge. Being gay, he can deal with. But liking Chris is something too close to dating out of his own species, because even if he will always believe that Chris isn’t an angel, he sure doesn’t look human. Kevin is busy confusing himself when something green caught on Chris’s right wing catches his attention. It’s a small branch of mistletoe, lodged between the longest feathers.

“You’ve got mistletoe on you,” Kevin says, and Chris flexes his wing, curious, to hold the little green leaf on top of his head. It’s a swift movement, as if he had just raised his arm over his head. There’s no hesitation, no flinch of pain. His wing is almost healed. Resisting the temptation to kiss Chris, Kevin moves forward to grab the mistletoe, missing the mischievous look in Chris’s eyes.

In a quick, graceful movement that takes Kevin’s breath away, Chris folds his wing back, getting the mistletoe far from Kevin’s grasp. Then, creating an arc of whiteness and silver light, he unfolds his wing, in a long arc that covers his head and Kevin’s. Kevin blinks, as he realizes he is cocooned beneath Chris’s wings. Inside, the scent of blueberries is stronger than ever, and he does feel as if he’s seeing snow fall. Everything around him is white, except for Chris’s brown hair and maple-colored eyes. Hovering over him, held in Chris’s feathers, is the mistletoe branch.. “Chris, what are you doing?”

Chris licks his lower lip, looking doubtful for a moment. Kevin is about to apologize for his stern tone - he is trying to break the habit of speaking to Chris as if he were a child, but it’s hard to stop - when the uncertainty disappears from Chris’s features. He leans forward, standing on his tip toes and carefully, brushes Kevin’s lips with a soft kiss that tastes like honey, and home, and all the things Kevin holds dear in his heart.

* * *

When they return to Orlando, things seem to go back to normal. Kevin never mentions the kiss to Chris, and it never happens again. Sometimes, Kevin figures that maybe he dreamed it all, except for the fact that now when Chris looks at him, his smiles seem brighter. Sometimes, when Chris smiles, Kevin feels again the soft brush of lips against his own.

The beginning of the year proves to be a bit of a challenge for them all, since they have to get a record deal soon, aware that if they don’t, all their hard work will be for nothing.

Later, Kevin would blame the growing sense of defeat for the way in which he begun to take Chris for granted. After all, Chris had been with them for almost seven months. They all had more or less gotten used to see Chris, sitting on the sidelines, watching them. Perched on the headboard of someone’s bed, or on the back of a chair, watching TV, eating pixie sticks and M&Ms. Smiling, and silently laughing, with his hair braided or tied up, or taking cigarettes out of AJ’s mouth. Chris is beautiful, but he is always there, and somewhere in the way, Kevin forgets that there was a time when Chris hadn’t been there.

Until one cold February morning when Nick comes into his room, the very same room where Chris crashed seven months ago, running and scared.

“Have you seen Chris?” The kid asks, nervous.

“No,” Kevin gets up from his bed, looking at the repaired closed window. “I thought he was in Howie’s room.”

“He isn’t with any of the others,” Nick says, on the verge of tears. “I can’t find him anywhere!”

Trying to remain calm, Kevin hurriedly gets dressed and goes to Brian’s room. They have a quick meeting, and start looking for Chris everywhere they can think, even missing an early rehearsal. By night fall, they all have come to the sad conclusion that Chris has gone away.

Kevin tries to repress the childish feeling that Chris could’ve said goodbye before he left. Or at least give them some warning. Kevin remembers thinking that his wing was getting better, that Chris smiled at his reflection when he flapped both wings. He wants to say Chris wouldn’t have flown away without telling them, but he knows, deep in his heart, that Chris did. He also realizes that Chris was right in not telling them, because if Kevin had known Chris was planning to leave, he would’ve tried to stop him.

Kevin really didn’t want Chris to leave, not anymore. He didn’t want to wake up and not see Chris perched on his chair, smiling at him every morning.

When he is alone, he pulls out the box with all the feathers he kept, with the pictures that show Chris smiling among them. He opens the box, and the smell of blueberries hit him hard, it is as if Chris was standing next to him, surrounding him with his beautiful, impossible wings.

Kevin starts to cry.

If he had known Chris was going to leave, Kevin would’ve kissed him one last time.


	2. Chapter 2

February, 1997

After Chris leaves, days seem to pass in a blur for all of them. One day, they are hoping to catch someone’s attention at shopping malls all across the States, the next day they are touring through Europe. Kevin sometimes consoles himself by thinking that Chris wouldn’t have been able to follow them to Europe anyway, and that maybe he had known that. Kevin sometimes tells himself that maybe that’s why Chris left without notice. It hurts less than thinking Chris just decided to disappear because he got tired of them.

Sometimes, Kevin doesn’t even have the time to miss Chris. Going from venue to venue, from TV show to TV show doesn’t give him a moment to rest and think about Chris, or how none of them seemed tired when Chris was around. If the others miss him, they don’t tell Kevin, although Kevin knows Brian mentions Chris more often than not in his nightly prayers, Nick has gotten into the habit of making wishes to falling stars, Howie starts talking about letting his hair grow, and AJ will light up cigarettes, take a drag out of them, and then throw them away. They all have their way of missing Chris, and Kevin can’t blame them.

Not when he tries to sleep with the windows open, a habit that has gotten him in trouble with the others because no matter how much he misses Chris, they can’t risk catching pneumonia when it’s snowing outside.

It all comes to a stop almost three years after Chris’s disappearance, when they are invited to the Bravo Super Show in Germany. By then they are already big in that country and Kevin can’t help but wish that it was just the beginning, especially since there is a big shadow on their horizon, namely, Transcon’s new investment, another group backed up by Pearlman, with the unusual name of *N Sync.

They have known about *N Sync for almost three months. Three months of arguing among themselves about what they could do, how Transcon was betraying them, and how the American market wouldn’t be able to support two groups with the same style. However, they haven’t seen the other group at all. Not even in photos because the faxes in the hotels they stay make pictures look like a big, blurry black square.

The night of the show, however, they are nominated for an award and *N Sync is going to perform. And if he knew Transcon, they would be probably expected to mingle and take pictures together. Kevin can’t be more miserable that night, even if he tried. As they wait backstage for the floor manager to show them their places, he closes his eyes. He knows that a meeting is imminent, and he also knows he’s not ready.

“There they are,” Brian whispers to him and Kevin looks in the direction his cousin is watching. Sure, next to the door to the bathroom he can see four young American guys, and his heart lurches when he recognizes two of them: JC Chasez and Justin Timberlake from the Mickey Mouse Club. That had been Chris’s favorite show, although it had been cancelled just a couple of months after Chris left. Kevin tries to ignore the images in his brain of Chris silently laughing at the show.

There are only four of them right now. Next to JC, there’s a blond kid who looks completely out of his element. Next to Justin, a tall, smiling guy with a Superman t-shirt, Kevin wonders if they had to put the money out themselves to buy their clothes.

Kevin smiles. Not one of them looks remotely attractive: not even the former mouseketeers. Unless the fifth member is the youngest brother of Brad Pitt at least, as far as looks go, *N Sync is no match for the Backstreet Boys.

“Holy fuck,” AJ’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts. He turns to tell his band mate not to swear in public, when Howie’s shocked “What the hell?” shuts him up.

“No way,” Nick’s startled whisper follows Howie’s, and Kevin can’t stop the terrible sense of deja-vu.

“Holy Mother of God,” right on cue Brian pipes up, and Kevin finally looks up to see why they all look as if they had seen a ghost.

And when he does, he has to bite his lip not to yell.

Running towards *N Sync, wearing baggy pants and a Pittsburgh Steelers white jersey that looks a bit too big for his body, the sleeves baggy and almost covering his hands, his hair short and disheveled, is Chris.

His Chris. Without wings, but unmistakably Chris. The same smile, the same twinkling eyes. The same energy. Everything.

Rooted to the spot, unable to speak, Kevin sees Chris open his mouth. There are braces on Chris’s teeth, and Kevin wonders who was stupid enough to think Chris’s smile wasn’t perfect. Then, all thoughts flee his mind because Chris starts to speak.

“There you are guys! I was starting to fear I was in the wrong show!”

Chris’s voice is beautiful, high pitched and soft. It somehow reaches Kevin’s heart and makes him blink, to avoid crying.

After three years, Chris is in front of him. Chris is talking and Kevin realizes he was right. Chris had been able to speak before breaking his wing.

“If you hadn’t fallen asleep on the bus, Chris, we wouldn’t have left you,” the tall brown-haired guy says, hitting Chris on the shoulder, in a friendly gesture. Kevin grits his teeth because he can’t believe someone would be that casual with Chris.

“It’s him,” Kevin finally whispers. “It can’t be.”

But before any of them can move towards their missing friend a big german guy goes to *N Sync and starts ushering them in the opposite direction.

Still, Chris turns around, as if he knows that he’s being watched, and, to Kevin’s surprise, his eyes open as if in sheer panic.

* * *

“That was Chris,” Nick is the first one to talk, now that they’re sitting on a table and there aren’t any curious ears around. They can speak more or less freely since their translator is not close and the people on the other tables only speak German. “But… how can it be Chris?”

“That couldn’t be Chris,” Brian whispers back before anyone else can, trying to see the table where *N Sync is. They’re not around, so Kevin guesses they are backstage, getting ready for their act. “Unless Chris lost his wings somewhere, and that simply cannot be.”

“Well, if it is Chris, we’re fucked,” AJ says, and Kevin doesn’t have the will to scold him again. “I mean, you heard him. He must be *N Sync’s lead singer, and then we’re fucked.”

“We don’t know his singing voice,” Howie sighs, but he sounds as hopeless as the others. “Maybe he’s not that good.”

“Maybe it’s just someone who looks like Chris,” Nick insists, and Kevin wishes he could believe that. But he saw his eyes, and his startled expression. Kevin is sure it was Chris, and that he recognized them.

“Well, they called him Chris,” Kevin says, at the same time the German host announces *N Sync. Kevin doesn’t want to pay attention to them, even though he wants to see Chris on the stage. He wants to hear him sing.

The song starts, and it sounds like many other pop songs, a meaningless love song like all the ones Kevin can now sing in his sleep. The main difference is that where the Backstreet Boys do not rely heavily on complicated choreographies, *N Sync’s act looks like a high-impact aerobic session.

“So, what’s the plan?” AJ whispers, his hand playing with an unlit cigarette, as Justin Timberlake starts singing.

“We could talk to him after the show ends,” Brian suggests, not taking his attention away from the stage. “When he’s not with them”

Kevin is busy listening to the group sing, and he sees Chris watching him intently from time to time, stealing glances even when he’s doing the choreography with great attention, flying kicks and all. The second verse starts, and Kevin can hear Chris’ voice, high and beautiful, over JC’s.

“I can’t believe it,” he says, out loud. Chris’ voice does a great counterpoint to JC’s. He has to admit that *N Sync’s voices blend very well together.

“Yeah,” Howie nods next to him, but Kevin doesn’t pay attention to him. His eyes are still focused on Chris, who is now smiling as he dances, the same knowing smile that he sometimes had when Kevin started asking questions. “I can’t believe he actually put together a group!”

“What?” Kevin turns to see Howie, Chris and his group forgotten for a minute. “What are you talking about?”

“Well, it was his plan,” Nick answers before Howie can. He no longer looks surprised, he looks angry. “After Lou told him he couldn’t be in the Backstreet Boys, he told us that he could get another group, right?”

“What?” Kevin repeats, confused. He feels as if he missed half of the conversation. The important half.

“Pretty shitty thing to do, if you ask me,” AJ says, putting out the cigarette he had lit. “Why did he went to sign his group with Lou of all people?”

“What are you all talking about?” Kevin can’t take it anymore, and looks at his friends, missing the last moments of *N Sync act. “Its Chris right there, isn’t it?”

“That’s what we’re talking about, cousin,” Brian looks at him, and now Kevin realizes something is wrong, something happened during the song and he’s the only one who noticed.. “Chris is Howie’s friend; we met him three years ago. It’s just weird to see him with a group.”

“They’re not that good, anyway,” Nick says, all his worries forgotten. “I mean, they’re not as good as we are.”

“They won’t last past the first single,” AJ predicts, sounding smug. Kevin still feels like his brain is spinning too fast inside his skull.

He looks up in time to see *N Sync go to their own table, now that the performance is over and the next award will be given. Chris’s eyes lock with his, and Kevin sees that Chris is smiling.

* * *

“I feel like I’m going insane,” Kevin tells Brian as soon as they’re alone in their hotel room. “You really don’t remember what happened? With Chris?”

“Well, he’s a great singer but Lou thought there were too many guys in our group with dark hair,” Brian sits on his bed, taking off his tie. “What are you getting at? You wanted him instead of me in the group, cuz?.”

“He was with us at the beginning,” Kevin says, trying to keep his voice calm. “You can’t not remember, Brian. You were convinced he was an angel!”

“Why would I think that about anyone? He sure doesn’t look like one. Man, he doesn’t act like one!”

“I think it was the wings what gave you that impression.” Kevin says, taking a deep breath. “I was sure that there was another explanation for them, but the wings and his infinite patience with Nick convinced you.”

“Howie has a lot of patience with Nick, and I don’t think of him as a saint,” Brian answers, looking at Kevin, worried. “And sure, if I saw a man with wings, it would have to be an angel no matter what you say. But I’m pretty sure I didn’t see wings on Kirkpatrick’s back. That would’ve made their choreography a lot more complicated than it looked.”

“You don’t believe me,” Kevin stats. It isn’t a question. He can see it in his cousin’s eyes.

“Kevin, you wouldn’t believe *me* if I told you I thought one of our new rivals is an angel either.”

“Brian, listen to me carefully. You know me, you know I don’t make up stories,” Kevin tries again. “We met Chris three years ago when he crashed through my window. He had a broken wing, and while he got better he stayed with us. In fact, we didn’t even know if his name was ‘Chris’! We picked that up from a comic, because he couldn’t talk. Does any of this ring a bell?”

“Well, Chris talked a lot back at the ceremony,” Brian shakes his head. “Kevin, really. I know you think my faith is a joke, but this is beyond idiotic.”

Kevin tries not to feel insulted. His cousin knows he isn’t prone to make stupid jokes, knows that he wouldn’t be talking about winged men if it wasn’t serious. But he also knows that it’s an unbelievable story, a story he wouldn’t believe himself if it wasn’t because he remembers Chris with his wings fully open, shinning under the Kentucky moonlight.

* * *

Kevin doesn’t try again to convince Brian of the truth, and his cousin doesn’t bring the subject up in front of the others at all, and for that Kevin is grateful. If his own family thinks he is insane, he has no illusions regarding the reactions of the rest of the group.

Especially when he has no evidence to show Brian. The only thing he has is the wooden box filled with feathers, but Kevin doesn’t want to show them to his cousin. He is afraid that Brian will say that they’re common bird feathers, even with their impossible colors, and still strong scent of honeysuckle and blueberries. And besides, he has no proof that they come from Chris’s wings. The pictures he had saved of them with Chris, of Chris alone, aren’t there anymore.

He has photos, many photos of that first tour. But even when he remembers clearly that Chris was in them, smiling at the camera, butterflies, birds and all, now he can only see the rest of the group. All traces of Chris are gone.

Kevin doesn’t want to believe that his Chris is gone. He doesn’t want to let him go.

He manages to ignore the dull pain in his heart every time he thinks about Chris, every time he wakes up from dreaming about his Chris, and that Christmas in Kentucky. He manages to almost convince himself that the Chris who is with *N Sync, with his dazzling, sincere smile and his wonderful, harmonious voice, is not his Chris, the Chris with sparkling eyes and impossible wings. Or at least, he manages to make himself believe that until the next time they cross paths with *N Sync, and Chris looks at him for a brief moment with a knowing smirk, before turning his attention to his new friends. It’s then when Kevin realizes that Chris knows he’s being watched, and Chris knows that he remembers. Kevin is sure Chris is making fun of him.

“Well, we’ve been trashing their group every chance we got,” AJ points out when Kevin mentions that he thinks Chris is laughing at their backs. “And sure, they deserve it, but I never thought they would just take it. Of course they’ll make fun of us.”

Chris is a bundle of energy whenever Kevin sees him, running around, skating around, and if one didn’t know better, one could swear he was the youngest member in *N sync. Chris is driving Kevin mad, an impressive accomplishment since they aren’t even in the same group. All the things that Kevin used to find sweet and endearing are now annoying him at all times, and it gets worse when they have to be together by Transcon’s orders.

Like now, during a charity basketball game that has both groups divided in two teams.

Chris, who spent the game cheering both teams, making jokes and running from side to side of the court as if he couldn’t get tired, has managed to get Brian to carry him on his back. And despite the fact that the Backstreet Boys had agreed that they hated *N Sync out of principle, Brian is laughing, and playing along.

By the time they have to go to their own hotels, Justin and Nick are already friends, Howie and Chris have rekindled their supposed college friendship, and Chris also took made sure to introduce Howie and Joey, who seemed to get along almost instantly. Brian spent at least an hour talking with Lance about who knows what, while AJ and JC apparently exchanged phone numbers.

Kevin wants to kill Chris, because it was Chris who maneuvered every single meeting, and every single conversation. Kevin knows that because he stayed on the sidelines, pretending to ignore Chris, but watching every one of his movements.

It is just like the first time, when everyone loved Chris after Chris smiled at them. Now, that charm seems stronger, because Chris manages to make everyone get along. But Kevin is not going to play along. Not this time.

Kevin doesn’t know how the others could forget. Not when AJ starts to light a cigarette, and there’s Chris, just like in the old days, taking it away from his mouth before AJ can take the first drag. Kevin wants to strangle someone because if anyone tried that, AJ would deck him. Instead, AJ just blinks.

“Sorry, AJ, it’s just habit,” Chris apologizes, smiling sincerely. “’Sides, it’s really not good for you to smoke since you need your voice, you know?”

AJ doesn’t hit Chris, and he doesn’t light a new cigarette. Kevin rolls his eyes, annoyed at the scene.

After the game, Kevin becomes vicious in his attacks against *N Sync. He just can’t help the irrational anger he feels every time he sees Chris with them.

Everything about Chris makes him angry. Even seeing Chris with short hair makes him want to hit something. Kevin knows he should feel happy because that somehow proves that he is not his Chris. Chris Kirkpatrick only looks like his winged mute stranger. Until he sees Chris fishing cereal with his fingers in the restaurant of a hotel and he remembers that first morning, and can’t help but feel angry again.

Some days, even he believes he has gone insane. Some days, he can almost believe he dreamed up Chris.

* * *

Kevin is getting ready to leave the Hard Rock Café when he sees Chris leaving through the emergency exit. The *N Syncer is alone, for a change, and seems strangely subdued. Kevin follows him to the roof, where Chris seems happy to just sit, with his eyes closed. There is no one around, and Kevin is ready to turn away and leave, not wanting to be alone with Chris when he sees the bird.

A small blue bird perched peacefully on top of Chris’s weird braids.

That is all it takes, that little moment of familiarity, of old times. Kevin gathers his courage, and walks towards the other man.

“Chris,” Kevin calls out and Chris turns around, smiling sadly. Kevin knows that smile. It is the smile Chris gave him when he couldn’t answer his questions with a nod. “Can we talk?”

“Hey, Kevin,” Chris smiles at him, but his greeting is so informal, so friendly, that Kevin can’t stop the painful lurch of his heart. “You decided to stop hating us?”

“I do not hate you guys,” Kevin mutters, looking down. He has had this conversation in his mind a couple hundred times, but none of his rehearsals included the possibility of Chris pretending not to know what Kevin is talking about. “I just want to know why you are doing this.”

“It’s for a good cause,” Chris answers, and it takes Kevin a moment to realize he means the charity concert and not other thing. “You know? Helping those in need. Why are you here if it’s not for that?”

“You know I am not talking about that,” Kevin says, standing next to Chris. “I mean, why *N Sync? Why here?”

He is not going to ask Chris if he’s some sort of winged freak of nature. If he did, he can see Chris crowing about it in the next interview *N Sync gives.

“You’re not the only one with dreams, Kevin,” Chris answers, rolling his eyes. “And Orlando was as good as anywhere else to try.”

Kevin has no answer for that, and he doesn’t know how to phrase his next question without sounding insane. “You know, never mind. It was stupid to try to talk to you.”

He turns around to leave, and Chris doesn’t stop him. It’s only when he’s near the door when he turns around to see the ground. There he sees it, an enormous shadow of a pair of wings on Chris’s back.

It is only then when he realizes that there’s the faintest scent of blueberries hanging in the air.

* * *

When any of the group need advice, a helping hand or simply someone to nod at whatever they’re saying, they all go to Kevin. When Kevin needs the same, he goes to Brian, who doesn’t always have the right advice, but at least listens to Kevin and doesn’t expect him to be wise just because he’s the oldest.

So Kevin goes to Brian again, and tells him about Chris’s shadow’s wings.

“Cuz, I know you say you don’t drink, but whatever you’re taking, just stop taking it,” Brian says, when Kevin finishes his story. “Chris Kirkpatrick is a lot of things. He’s an insane maniac from hell, that, I’ll accept, and he’s the easiest going person in the whole world, but he’s not an angel. Besides, last time I checked, you don’t believe in angels.”

“Never mind what I believe, Brian, I’m telling the truth here,” Kevin sighs. “If he’s just a hyperactive guy, why did that bird was nesting on his head? It was asleep! When have you seen a bird asleep on someone’s head? It was like a stupid Disney movie scene.”

“Maybe it mistook those weird-ass braids for its nest,” Brian answers and Kevin has to admit it could be true. But then, Brian hadn’t seen Chris’s shadowy wings.

“He was making fun of me,” Kevin insists, and that’s partly true. While Chris didn’t sound as if he was lying, his answers made Kevin feel stupid.

“Again, with the way you and Lance keep attacking each other, I’m surprised Chris even talked to you,” Brian shakes his head. “Wait. No. Please, just tell me you didn’t ask Chris if he was an angel, did you?”

“Angel? Where did you get that? I never said that Chris is an angel,” Kevin growls. “I said that he had wings, and I didn’t tell him that either.”

“A man with wings is an angel,” Brian closes his eyes, tired. “Look, Kevin, when you decided you didn’t want to do anything with the church, I didn’t say anything. When you try to point out why science is superior to belief, I let you rant freely even when you end up insulting my beliefs. This? Is taking things a bit too far. In fact, it’s sounding as if you’re mocking my beliefs, something I thought you had grown out a year after your… after you stopped going to church.”

Kevin notices the pause, and knows that Brian was about to say ‘after your father died. He can’t help but feel guilty, because he knows Brian is right. After the funeral, Kevin became rude to anyone who even mentioned the word God near him. He had thought he grew out of that, but he hadn’t noticed he still challenged Brian and his religion at every chance.

The irony isn’t lost on him. He always wished that Brian stopped looking to religion for answers, and now that he needs his cousin’s blind faith, Brian is the one being logical.

* * *

They are at Caroline’s funeral when Kevin sees Chris again. He’s at the door, dressed in black jeans and t-shirt, looking somber. It is the first time Kevin has seen Chris like that, irradiating misery.

Chris politely greets him, but his attention is focused on Howie and Howie’s family. It doesn’t surprise Kevin, since he still remembers when Howie’s mom thought Chris was one of her many nephews, and Caroline treated Chris as if he was her lost brother.

Kevin remembers Chris liked Caroline, and has to blink to stop the tears from coming.

He sees Chris hug Howie, whispering something on his ear so only Howie will hear. Howie hugs Chris back, and he looks a little better, a little more alive than he has ever since they got the call, a week before.

Howie had been able to see his sister one last time, and Kevin can’t help but think his friend was lucky.

Kevin never got to say goodbye to his father.

After talking to Howie and his parents, and to Pollyana who can’t stop crying, Chris walks towards them. Kevin has to hold his breath as he sees him close. Behind his glasses, Chris’s eyes look like pools of maple syrup, not a hint of black in them.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t arrive earlier,” Chris apologizes, sincerely.

“It’s ok, Chris,” Brian whispers. “It’s a wonder you managed it. I thought you were in Europe.”

“I flew here as soon as I heard,” Chris’s mouth thins in a very tight line. “Howie is my friend, I couldn’t leave him alone at a time like this.”

Kevin wonders how come no one asked Chris from where he got the money for an international flight. They all know how stingy Lou is with money, since Lou almost didn’t let them all go to be with Howie because they had a concert in Buenos Aires the next day. He even thinks about asking Chris if there were any windows on his path.

He doesn’t say anything. Kevin is not going to make a scene at Howie’s sister’s funeral. And he thinks it’s kind of sweet for Chris to have flown all the way to North Carolina. It really doesn’t matter if he did it by plane, or by his own means.

* * *

Kevin manages to make himself believe he’s over Chris; he even manages to pretend he is not thinking about Chris at all, except to congratulate himself he is not thinking about Chris, until the next time the two groups end up at the same show together, almost a year after the basketball game.

In the months he spent not thinking about Chris, he still dreamed, remembering the days when all he had to do between shows and rehearsals was to watch Chris, keep an eye on him so no one would discover his secret. He also thought he saw him a couple of times, sitting at the back of the stage while they did sound checks. But it couldn’t be him, because Kevin knew Chris was, at the moment, with his own band.

Kevin also manages to convince himself he is not thinking about “Chris Kirkpatrick”, the wingless version of his Chris. He won’t confess it to anyone, even though Kristen knows, but he has *N sync’s albums, both of them, hidden safely on the wooden box where he keeps the feathers and that he always has in his carry-on bag. No one has ever asked him about them, but he has an alibi ready in case anyone does. He will claim he bought them because he’s sure that their management is not playing straight with the Backstreet Boys, and he uses the same excuse to see a couple of *N Sync’s concerts.

“You’ve got a crush on Chris Kirkpatrick.” It is Kristen who brings the subject up again, one summer night in Orlando while they are waiting to start their tour again. For a moment, Kevin remembers that day when Kristen was telling him exactly the same thing, when she discovered he was bisexual and offered to be his cover in front of the press, as long as he would confess his feelings to Chris. He had promised he would do that, but Chris had left before he had the chance to gather his courage. Now, Kevin doesn’t know what she remembers. He doesn’t know how she ended up being his cover. “It’s starting to show.”

“I don’t have a crush on Kirkpatrick,” Kevin answers sharply. He can be truthful as long as he doesn’t call him Chris.

“Whatever,” Kristen rolls her eyes. They stay silent for a while before she speaks up again. “His girlfriend looks at you as if she wants to kill you.”

Chris’s girlfriend is a subject Kevin wishes he could forget. Although he had more and more troubles pretending he didn’t care, he knew that Chris had meet Danielle pretty much like Brian had meet Leighane: during the shooting of a video. He also knew that Chris and Dani were inseparable.

And yes, he hadn’t failed to notice that Danielle always looked at him with anger and disappointment. It wasn’t that Danielle wanted to kill Kevin, it was just that Danielle didn’t like him.

That is odd, according to the others. Howie says that the only person in the world friendlier than Danielle is Chris.

Kevin doesn’t really care. He doesn’t like Danielle, for no other reason that she is with Chris.

Although sometimes he wishes he knew if it’s because he still dislikes Chris, or because he still likes him so much.

* * *

The MTV awards are pretty much like all the other ceremonies he’s been to, and Kevin can’t help but feeling a little sad that he’s starting to feel jaded about them. This time, however, *N Sync is also performing, and Kevin wishes he could be anywhere else.

While Britney sings, his attention is focused on the back of the stage, where he knows Chris is. Kevin discovers right there and then that he can ignore the likeness between Chris and his Chris as long as he’s not seeing him in person. The fact that Britney was also in the MMC doesn’t help Kevin at all, because when Britney sings, he remembers Chris watching the TV set with the attention one should give to things like men walking on the moon.

When *N Sync starts singing, Kevin pays even more attention. He does admire their choreography, which still looks a little too close to the ones he has also memorized for his own songs, and that detail is filed on the ‘Why Transcon is fucking us over’ file in his mind, and he can admire all their voices now that he’s come to the realization that they don’t sound at all like the Backstreet Boys. He can fool himself into the idea that he’s not looking at Chris until their eyes meet, as they do every time Kevin watches them perform. How Chris can always unerringly focus on him, Kevin doesn’t know, but it never fails. And then Chris will smile, that small knowing smile, and Kevin will hate him all over again.

During the after party, he does his best to ignore the other group. He does his best to ignore everyone, just holding his drink and glaring at anyone who dares to come near him. If there will be rumors about Kevin being a jerk, he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t want to deal with anyone at the moment.

“It looks like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders,” a familiar voice says behind him, and Kevin turns around to meet Chris’s eyes. “That’s a heavy weight to carry, even for shoulders as big as yours.”

“I’m sorry that I’m not amusing you,” he mutters. No matter how much he wants to be left alone, he was raised never to be rude. Not even to guys who remind him of guys with wings who smell like blueberries.

“I can see that. Then again, you’re usually brooding, so there’s not much difference to tell,” Chris shrugs, and Kevin suddenly wishes he had drank something because he can almost hear the shuffle of feathers as he does that. “You’re going to end up breaking something at this pace, you know. If this is so hard on you, I’m sorry. Never meant to ruin your life like this, so can you stop hating the group, please? Everyone else accepts that we’re different and we’re not copying you, so, let it go.”

Kevin blinks, confused. For a moment, he thought that Chris was talking about disappearing on them so long ago. But that makes little sense, even to him, since Chris has never acknowledged that he’s the winged man of Kevin’s memories, mostly because Kevin has never out flat asked him. Only when Chris finishes his speech is when Kevin realizes Chris was talking about the groups, and *N Sync’s continuous existence. “This has nothing to do with your group. I don’t hate you guys.”

“I don’t mind if you want to hate me,” Chris says, smiling sadly and suddenly, Kevin is not that sure that Chris is not talking about invisible wings. “Just don’t hate the others. It’s not their fault, since it was all my idea, you know? And hate is a waste of time and energy, anyway. There are a lot of things you could’ve been doing besides hating everyone.”

Kevin opens his mouth to answer, but Chris is already walking away, towards his band mates and Kevin thinks that maybe yes, he does hate Chris a little.

But not enough to stop liking him.

* * *

“When did you meet Chris?” Kevin asks Howie one day after their concert. They’re on top of the world now that Transcon is a thing of the past, and Kevin doesn’t think he will ever tire of having fun with his friends. But sometimes, that small doubt still nags his brain. Some days, he wishes he could make his friends remember.

“At Valencia, last year of college,” Howie answers, but Kevin notices that the answer comes too easily like the ones Howie gives when the answer is part of a memorized script. “We were in the choir together.”

“When did I meet Chris?” Kevin presses on. He knows when he met Chris, but he never wondered about what the others remembered. “When he auditioned for the group?”

“No, it was after that,” Howie’s eyes glaze over a bit, as he trails off in confusion. The confusion lasts only a moment, and then Howie smiles as if nothing was wrong. “It was the same day as Brian met him, you know? The day of your accident.”

“What accident?”

“Oh, you remember!” Howie laughs. “Almost six years ago? When that baseball came from the park, broke your window and hit you while you were sleeping? We never found out who was playing that day, but it knocked you out for a couple of hours. Brian got quite worried.”

“A baseball?” Kevin frowns. That sounds as unlikely as finding a guy with wings on his bed.

“Yeah. It was Chris who found you. If not for him, we wouldn’t have taken you to the hospital,” Howie sighs, now comfortable with the story. “Nick’s mom said that he had been your guardian angel that day, which made you mad. I think it was the last time Chris hung around us too.”

* * *

When Kevin sees *N Sync at the red carpet of the Grammys, he forces himself to look away. He’s not going to talk to them, he’s going to forget all about Chris.

It would be easy to believe Howie’s story, except that he doesn’t remember having a concussion, and there’s no mention of it in any of his medical records. It’s easy to believe as long as he doesn’t open the wooden box that still accompanies him everywhere, still filled to the brim with white feathers that shine with rainbows and still have the same scent they had the day Kevin picked them. It would be easier, but still Kevin can’t believe that story. Kevin feels much better blaming Chris for the way their friends now remember their lives.

In fact, Kevin blames Chris for practically everything in his life now. It’s easy to do it. Chris is to blame for the fact that they’re now working for the same label again. It’s Chris’s fault that Brian is getting married which means that it’s Chris’s fault that Kevin’s mom is going to start asking again why Kevin doesn’t have a girlfriend: his mom knows Kristen is not his real girlfriend, but doesn’t know why.

If he blames Chris, maybe Chris will start hating him and stop focusing on him during his shows.

“That’s not the way to impress him,” Nick casually comments as they’re getting ready for the show. “You could try, I don’t know, smiling to him.”

“What are you talking about, Nick?” Kevin whispers, sitting down. While no one expects everyone to be paying attention to what’s going on onstage, with Kevin’s luck the camera will be on them just as he’s talking to his band mates.

“He’s talking about your crush on Chris,” Brian whispers back, rolling his eyes.

“My what?!” Yelling and whispering takes some practice, but too many discussions during too many ceremony awards have given Kevin the ability.

“I can’t hear,” AJ answers, next to Howie, who is sitting next to Brian. “Your crush. Do we have do discuss that right now?”

They don’t so -thankfully for Kevin- the subject is dropped until they return to their hotel. Before they all could go to their individual rooms, Kevin stops them at the elevator.

“My room, group meeting, now.”

They follow him, meekly if a little too slow for Kevin’s tastes. He wants to fix this stupid rumor right now, not tomorrow.

“I do not have a crush on Chris Kirkpatrick,” he says, as soon as AJ closes the door.

“Yes, you do,” Brian shakes his head, sitting on the bed. “Kevin, really, it’s been almost ten years. We’re tired of it.”

“You’re always watching him,” Nick says, taking his tie off next to Brian. “Whenever we are in the same place as one of the others in his group, you start looking for Chris. All the time. It’s amazing he hasn’t said anything.”

“He has,” Howie’s voice is almost a whisper. “Just, well, he once mentioned it to me at a club in LA. He thinks you hate him, Kevin.”

“I don’t hate him,” Kevin can’t stop himself from correcting Howie. That is true. He doesn’t love Chris, but he doesn’t hate him either. “He annoys me, that’s all.”

“Sure thing,” AJ rolls his eyes. “Kevin, you haven’t been able to stop looking at him, ever. If he really annoyed you, you wouldn’t be the only member of the Kirkpatrick’s stalkers club.”

There isn’t much Kevin can say to that without sounding insane and in denial. He tried telling Brian the truth, it didn’t work. He doesn’t have many hopes that their friends will believe him.

* * *

Kevin says that he managed to ignore his non-feelings for Chris for almost nine months. The fact that in those nine months their paths haven’t crossed doesn’t matter. Kevin knows he’s doing a very good job of not mentioning Chris. He didn’t mention him even when No Strings Attached managed to outsell every single album released on the year, when he knew all the others were waiting for him to say something.

He doesn’t count the fact that he bought the album, keeping it with the others under the feathers of the wooden box. He doesn’t feel guilty about his purchase; because he knows one copy didn’t make the difference.

The truth is that “not thinking” about Chris lead him to think about “not thinking” about Chris. He dreams about Chris, almost every night and wakes up with tears in his eyes.

Kevin starts thinking that maybe his friends are right after two months of waking up like that.

Maybe he does have more than a passing obsession for Chris.

It all comes crashing down one November night, during yet another awards ceremony. Kevin is starting to hate them, wondering if the group could manage to only send one or two of their members. He doesn’t say that out loud because he also knows that management would end up sending him and Nick. Demographics, they’ll say. Kevin doesn’t want to deal with that discussion, and he is thankful of having the others around, even if the ceremonies are dull and boring.

It’s only when they go to their seats when he sees that not all of the members of *N Sync are there. Apparently, Jive does think that *N Sync can work separate since the only ones there are Joey, Lance, and Chris. Chris who as soon as Kevin spots them turns around to meet his eyes. Chris, who smiles at them but doesn’t wave hello.

Kevin tries to drown the happy feeling in his heart in anger, but it’s difficult. After so long of not seeing him, its hard to remember why he was angry, especially after his brief epiphany. But as he thinks that, he remembers that nine months is not the longest time he has spent without seeing Chris.

Chris once disappeared for three years.

Kevin barely hears anything of the ceremony, trying not to turn his head slightly to the right. Luck would have it, the three *N Syncers are sitting four rows in front of them, twenty seats to the right. He is not counting, he is not going to look in their direction to see if Chris is looking at him.

He wants to forget Chris, forget the pain he felt when he woke up to find out that Chris had gone away. He wants to forget everything.

When the announcer names them as winners of Best Slow Song, Kevin goes to his feet pretty much on automatic. He knows the drill, as well as he knows the choreographies for their songs. Go up the stage, thank your family, your fans and let Brian thank God, because Brian always does that no matter how much it infuriates Kevin.

When JC’s voice fills the hall, singing not Show Me the Meaning, but This I Promise You, he manages to maintain his professional demeanor. He even manages to thank the sound engineer. He doesn’t miss Chris’s sparkling eyes. He knows that expression, Chris is laughing silently.

Kevin has the sneaking suspicion that Chris was the responsible for that mistake.

That is the last straw for Kevin.

During the after party, Kevin looks for Chris. His bandmates notice this, and they all have a word of encouragement. They all think that Kevin is going to talk with Chris about his feelings, and they are right. They are only mistaken about what kind of feelings Kevin is harboring.

“We need to talk,” he whispers in Chris’ ear, and Chris nods, following him to the only place where they will have some privacy. The roof.

Kevin still finds it amusing that Chris pretends to be afraid of heights. He has seen the wings’ shadow more than once, and he wonders if Chris flies at night when everybody else is sleeping.

“What’s wrong?” Chris asks, when the door closes behind him.

“You are driving me insane,” Kevin says. It is not an answer, and he knows it, but he is not going to play twenty questions with Chris. He knows Chris is not going to give him a straight answer anyway. “And I want to know why. What did I ever do to you? Why you keep doing this to me?”

Chris looks at him, and Kevin can’t stop a shiver running through his back. He sees Chris’s eyes grow serious, and the black pupils become so small that they almost disappear. “Everyone needs a laugh once in a while, Kevin. Especially you. And really, you can’t deny that the song thing was hilarious!”

Kevin doesn’t like that answer, because he can’t see the humor in the situation. His friends think he’s lovesick, his cousin thinks he’s insane, and he’s pretty sure that Chris knows exactly what is going on even when he hasn’t said so.

“I laugh,” He settles on saying. “When you’re not around.”

Kevin doesn’t miss the brief, hurt flinch that crosses Chris’s face. It makes him feel guilty, but it is also a relief. He can make Chris feel the way he feels.

“You say you did, but you never really laughed,” Chris says, and there’s something in his voice that makes Kevin frown. “Even now, you’re too serious for your own good, you know?”

“It’s your fault,” Kevin closes his fists, trying to keep some control in his anger. “I was fine before you-“

“Before I?” Chris frowns, puzzled. Kevin knows that expression too. It’s the same face Chris made the first day he discovered pop tarts. Chris loved everything with sugar, back then.

“Yes! Before you appeared in my life! Before you crashed through my window and made me question everything I knew!” Kevin says, closing his eyes. It is true. If he has to say when his life took a turn left and became unrecognizable, it was the day when he came home to find a man with a broken wing lying on his bed. “I wish it had never happened. I wish that I could just forget it happened at all!”

“I didn’t want you to forget me,” Chris’s voice sounds small, sad, and Kevin opens his eyes. Chris is standing right in front of him, and, surprisingly, there are tears in his eyes. His beautiful, maple colored eyes. “I know it was selfish, but I just couldn’t. And I never wanted you to suffer. I’m sorry.”

Kevin opens his mouth to say something, anything, because he can’t stand the sadness in Chris’s eyes, but Chris moves too fast for him. Before Kevin can think of what to say, Chris’s lips are over his.

Briefly, Kevin remembers the first time Chris kissed him, but this is a different kiss. Chris hugs his neck and Kevin knows he is reaching to hold Chris close to him, because as much as he fooled himself into thinking otherwise, this is what he really wanted. He wanted to feel Chris’s lips on his own again, to be able to touch him, and assure himself that Chris was real.

Chris mouth opens slightly against his lips, and he tastes like honey. The scent of blueberries is so strong that Kevin thinks for a moment that they’re in the middle of a field of them. His hands, holding Chris close to him, brush something soft that Kevin has missed all this years.

Kevin opens his eyes, even when he doesn’t remember closing them, and he can’t believe what he sees. On Chris’s back, shining under the stars of Las Vegas, fully open, white and healthy, are the beautiful wings Kevin thought were just a dream.

Kevin closes his eyes again, when Chris ends the kiss. There’s something nagging on the back of his mind, but when he tries to catch it, it’s gone, like dew under the morning sun.

He thinks he hears someone whisper in his mind a sorrowful goodbye.

* * *

It’s AJ the one who finds Kevin standing on the roof. He had gone upstairs to smoke a joint, not really looking for him.

“Kev? What are you doing here?”

Kevin blinks at the question. What is he doing at the roof? He doesn’t remember. He thinks he had called Kirkpatrick to talk about something, but he is not sure he did. He has no idea of how he ended up on the roof of the hotel. “I needed some fresh air,” he lies.

The night air blows on his face, clearing his thoughts. Clearing them a little too much, perhaps. Kevin knows he hasn’t drunk anything stronger than a coke, but he simply can’t remember what he did after they arrived to the after party. He feels light, as if a burden had lifted from his shoulders, but he has no idea what could it be.

He also feels an empty pit on his chest. There is something missing inside him, and Kevin knows it. He lost something, something important tonight.

Confused, Kevin licks his lips. He is surprised to find the faint trace of something that tastes like honey and tears.


	3. Chapter 3

_There are days in which I dislike what I have to do. I do understand why we need rules, I understand the rules perfectly, and until I met him, I never understood why some of us tend to find the small loophole that can be found in all of them._

 _I still don’t know how it happened. We are not supposed to be seen, we’re not supposed to be able to touch anything on their world. Even so, I managed to fly straight through a closed window because I wasn’t watching where I was flying to._

 _Civilizations will rise and end before the others let me forget that. I am the only one of us who has managed not only to break something tangible without noticing, but also to get seriously injured._

 _I don’t regret it, though. I was scared at first; I had no idea of where I was, what had happened or why my wing hurt so much._

 _I thought I had been cast away, even when there were no reasons for me to be punished like that. Until that day, I had always followed the rules to the letter, and I never failed in a job. But I was hurt, and scared, and then they came in._

 _He came in. He helped me, even when he doesn’t believe in what I am. His care, their care, and unconditional friendship, helped me. But for me, the worst part was to see that he was completely alone, there wasn’t one of us taking care of him. The others had, and their guardians were as shocked as I was to see me solid, visible. I was too scared to listen to them that first night. I was too shocked to see that the one with the kind green eyes, the one that was helping me, had no one to help him, to hear his prayers in the night, to lend invisible company and silent advice._

 _The only thing I regret of those days was that my voice was taken, so I could never thank them properly._

 _The pain passed quickly. Nine of their months, a blink of my time. They took me as one of their own, taught me how to live in the solid world with their need for food, their weight and their pains and happiness. They taught me many things that six hundred years as a guardian hadn’t taught me, and I loved every second among them. So much, that even when at the end of those nine months I had to return to my duties, as the other guardians reminded me every day they could, the damage was done. I couldn’t go back to do invisible vigilance. I wanted to be on Earth, I wanted to be near and to provide solid support. And those in charge of the guardians granted me their permission._

 _But apparently they forgot one little detail. And the fact that they forgot was as inexplicable as the fact that I managed to break a window. The mortals didn’t forget. Kevin, Brian, Howie, Nick, AJ. They all remembered what happened in those nine months, when I lived with them. They remembered and waited for me to return for years. But my true nature and mission had to be a secret, so I had to make them forget with my own powers._

 _I made them all forget, except for Kevin. I couldn’t bring myself to make Kevin forget. There is a pain in my chest when I think about Kevin forgetting me._

 _I have been a guardian ever since I was created. I’ve seen all those under my care move on to the next world, become guardians themselves, or go back to a new cycle many times. Every time one passes on, it makes me sad. But this pain was different. I thought it was because Kevin was alone. Because I knew that the only one who was looking after Kevin was me, even when officially, I couldn’t help him at all._

 _I never thought the memories would make him suffer. I know they annoyed him a little, but annoyance is not suffering. I never meant to be cruel. I saw him looking for me, and I thought he looked for the same things I did._

 _It was then when I realized that the happiness I felt when I saw him smiling meant that I didn’t want to be his guardian. I wanted to be with him, only with him. I wanted to see him smile and feel his happiness forever._

 _Danielle told me that I was an idiot, that falling in love with a mortal was a bad idea, because their lives are too short, and we can’t just leave everything for them. But there are no rules against what I feel towards him. As she says, I have my responsibilities, and as long as I have this assignment, I can’t let my feelings distract me, but there’s no rule against love. The ones in charge of the missions even told me that when my assignment was over, I could be transferred to take care of him. If he just believed in us again._

 _We can’t look after the ones who don’t believe. That’s the one rule no one can break. So I tried, I tried very hard to make Kevin see that there’s still magic in the world, that there’s a reason for everything, that there’s more than science to the universe. I really wanted to be his guardian, if I couldn’t be more._

 _I don’t think I want that anymore._

 _He asked to forget me, and I can’t deny him anything so I made him forget everything, just as his friends had. Now, staying around, knowing that he had forgotten me would’ve been too painful._

 _I took one thing for myself. Just as I did when I realized my wing was almost healed, I couldn’t go without showing him a little of how much I loved him. I couldn’t let him forget without showing him he was right, even if he would forget it immediately._

 _Even if I knew I could get in trouble for showing him my true self._

 _One kiss. A little deeper than the first, but it’s allowed. I’ll never get to kiss him again._

 _Danielle thinks I’ve gone insane. She never liked being here, and she only agreed to take care of her assignment while pretending to be human because she worries about me. She is a bit of a traditionalist, and that makes the other angels wonder why we are friends. Now that Kevin has forgotten, she’ll go back to being intangible and take care of JC the way she’s always done until she gets a transfer._

 _She told me not to lose my faith in Kevin. She likes him, even when she pretends she doesn’t._

 _It will be for the better, I know. My time here will pass, and even when I’ll never forget, it will not hurt as much as it hurts now._

 _And maybe now that he doesn’t remember me, Kevin will stop hating me._

* * *

Kevin can’t shake the feeling that he is missing something really important. He doesn’t know what, and that’s what driving him mad. There’s a hole in his chest, and he can’t figure out what it is.

AJ leads him back to the party, and offers him a glass of water, apparently deciding that Kevin is not ready to have anything stronger.

“Did you talk to him?” AJ asks, carefully.

“Talk with whom?” Kevin frowns. He still is fighting that sensation of loss. He feels lighter, true, there was a weight in his mind that is no longer there, but he is missing that weight. He is still feeling confused.

“To Kirkpatrick. I saw you two leave together, but then he came back down alone, so I went to look for you,” AJ is not wearing his dark glasses, and Kevin can see the worry in his eyes.

Chris. Of course. Kevin closes his eyes. He had promised he would talk to Chris about his feelings towards him, only he didn’t. Or if he did, he doesn’t remember doing so. He just hopes he didn’t make a fool of himself.

“I think I did,” Kevin answers, closing his eyes. It hits him then, that he should feel something if the man he had been discreetly watching for almost three years had brushed him off, but he feels nothing.

He doesn’t even feel relief.

* * *

The emptiness doesn’t affect his singing, which is a relief. But it is there, and he can’t stop thinking about how he feels that strange emptiness inside of him.

The Richardson-Littrell family reunites again for Christmas, and Kevin goes because he has nowhere else to be. A little after the Radio Music Awards he talked to Kristen, and they decided she was no longer going to pretend to be his girlfriend. She had met someone she liked enough to try and have a real relationship with, and Kevin is fine with this. He doesn’t know why he asked her to pretend for so long.

Christmas is really depressing for Kevin, and he can’t explain why.

Brian is there with his wife, but not even his optimistic cousin can cheer Kevin up. Every single thing in the house reminds him of that empty feeling. He’s sitting next to the piano when he notices a new ornament. It’s a small ceramic angel, holding mistletoe in his hands. For some reason, Kevin can’t stop the tears from coming once he sees the small ornament. Brian seems to be the only one who notices.

“Are you ok, Kev?” His cousin asks, worried. It’s not normal to see Kevin cry, and Kevin knows it.

Kevin shakes his head, not trusting his voice. He doesn’t know what is wrong with him, but he knows he is not all right. “I’m just tired.”

“You’ve been tired for months now,” Brian looks worried, and Kevin doesn’t blame him. Kevin himself is worried.

“I know,” he sighs. “Is it possible to miss something and not know what it is?” Kevin finally asks, trying to put together the pieces of the puzzle together in his mind.

The problem is that he doesn’t even know if there’s a picture to be found.

* * *

They’re watching the Larry King Show when the subject of Chris comes up again. Kevin had been doing a great job of not thinking about the night of the RMAs for months, and he has almost managed to ignore the fact that he doesn’t remember when or why he started feeling that silent attraction to the oldest member in *N sync. He just knows that his eyes have always been drawn to Chris, no matter what.

“He looks even worse than you, Kev,” Nick says, pointing at the tv screen. Kevin didn’t need the pointing. He can see Chris, and how his eyes look sad. Kevin can’t remember seeing Chris sad before.

“He and Danielle broke up,” Howie tells them. Howie is quite up to date in what’s going on in the lives of the other group. “After the AMAs, I think.”

Kevin doesn’t say anything because he remembers the AMAs very well. He remembers watching *N Sync across the room, wondering if Chris would ever look his way. Chris never looked his way, but Kevin still watches. He still waits, even if he doesn’t know why he waits.

Even if Chris broke up with his girlfriend, it’s obvious he still loves her. To Kevin, it’s obvious because Chris looks broken hearted. No one would look like that if they didn’t really care for the other person.

“There’s your chance,” AJ hands him a beer can, but Kevin doesn’t open it. He is not in the mood for a drink. “You could sweep him off his feet.”

“First, he would have to talk to Chris,” Nick shook his head before Kevin could answer. “Instead of just, I don’t know, glaring at him as if you hated him.”

Kevin frowns, because while he does remember his band mates making fun of him because he normally doesn’t talk to Chris, he remembers that he was the one who kept the so called grudge going the longest. However he doesn’t remember glaring that much at Chris. Since it took him so long to accept that maybe the fake grudge was his way of masking his feelings, it is very possible that Kevin was overreacting towards Chris, and that that overreaction was mistaken for hate.

“I don’t think he’ll like being swept of his feet by me,” He says, trying to joke. “Everyone knows he doesn’t like heights.”

They all look at him shocked. It’s not usual for him to joke about his attraction towards Chris. Brian is the first to begin laughing. Soon, they all follow his example.

Kevin, however, is still focused on the image of the serious, sullen Chris on his tv.

* * *

He doesn’t see Chris in person again until the Superbowl, and he is glad to note that Chris looks a little better, more animated and his usual, happy self.

He doesn’t know if he should, though. Until he can remember what he said to Chris during the RMAs, Kevin thinks maybe staying away would be a good idea.

But Nick spots Justin, and then Joey is there with them, and before Kevin can think of a good excuse, they’re walking towards where Chris is talking about Joey’s most embarrassing attempts to pick up girls.

“As if you hadn’t your share of bad moments,” Joey laughs. “You’re just lucky you usually don’t have witnesses.”

“Except for the time he tried to impress Dani on his skates, and almost broke his leg,” Justin adds, with his arm around Britney’s shoulders. “We got that one on tape.”

“And still, it wasn’t the worst,” Chris shakes his head smiling, and Kevin can only think that he has never seen Chris’s smile that close.

“Which was the worst?” Howie interrupts, greeting them all with a wave of his hand. “Knowing you, it must be quite a story.”

Chris looks at them, and Kevin realizes that Chris’s smile, as beautiful as it is, is not reaching Chris’s eyes

“Once I ran through a window because I was watching someone I *really* liked,” Chris finally says, blushing a little. “I didn’t even notice the window until I started to bleed.”

“Ouch,” AJ flinches in sympathy, and Kevin doesn’t blame him. He can’t imagine how someone would look after slamming against a window. Probably bleeding all over and at least with a broken arm, a concussion and wounds all over. He could almost picture it in his head, Chris, with a huge wound on his head, broken glass all around him. “And was it worth it? Did she notice you?”

“Not really, not like I wanted. It doesn’t matter, though. It was a long time ago.” There’s no mistaking the sadness in Chris’s eyes as he answers, and Kevin wishes he knew the mystery girl who can still cause such sadness in Chris’ heart.

After that, the conversation moves to other subjects, such as Brian’s recent marriage and everyone’s plans for the future. Kevin doesn’t really notices the time passing, but by the time people are starting to leave he realizes they spent the whole night talking with *N Sync.

He knows that there was a time in which that would’ve been impossible. He just doesn’t remember why he was so adamant that things not change from there. He knows that it was a mistake, and he knows things should’ve changed long before that night.

“Chris,” he grabs Chris’s arm, as the other group is getting ready to leave. “I’m sorry for being a jerk to you guys.”

He actually means ‘I’m sorry for being a jerk to you’, and he hopes that Chris understands that.

“It’s ok,” Chris smiles, and this time his smile does reach his eyes. Kevin had never noticed that they were so bright. They look like two pools of maple syrup. “It’s all in the past, and now we’re friends, right?”

“Right,” Kevin thinks he would like to say something more, but words do not come to his mind. He doesn’t know how to act around Chris.

“Hey, Chris! You coming?” Justin yells at him from the *N Sync limousine, and Chris waves at the kid, nodding. Kevin knows it will be months before they meet each other again.

Chris suddenly turns to look at him, very serious. It looks as if he is deciding something. Kevin feels as if he is being judged.

“Keep an eye on AJ, Kevin,” Chris finally says, before leaving towards his group. “He’s going to need you guys, pretty soon. And he’s going to need you more than anyone else.”

* * *

Kevin doesn’t think about Chris’s strange advice until much later, after he had to break down AJ’s hotel room door. He realizes that he is not thinking clearly, but he can’t shake the feeling that Chris knew what was going to happen.

After all, Kevin remembers seeing Chris plucking cigarettes out of AJ’s mouth, all the time.

It makes no sense to Kevin. If Chris knew that AJ was getting that bad, why didn’t he tell them clearly? They could’ve tried to help AJ before he almost killed himself.

He is still angry, as he picks up his cell phone and dials Chris’s number. Kevin needs answers, and Chris is the only one who can give them.

He doesn’t know why, but he knows it’s true.

“Hi, Kevin,” Chris answers at the third ring, his voice still sounds sad, resigned, and all the anger drains from Kevin. Even if Chris somehow knew of AJ’s drug problem, he probably couldn’t tell them. Kevin doesn’t know if he could’ve told the others, if he had known before. “How are you guys holding out?”

“We’re fine for now,” Kevin smiles a little on the phone. Talking to someone helps. “I think it’s going to be a while before we actually get that this is happening. I know that we’re going to crash fast when we get out of the shock, but for now we’re fine.”

As he speaks, his accent shows. That alone tells Kevin he’s on the border of a nervous breakdown.

“AJ’ll be fine now,” Chris tells him. “You just have to have some patience, remember you guys have each other.”

“What would you have done if it had happened to one of yours?” Kevin realizes that he is having a conversation with Chris. An actual conversation, not the usual small talk they have exchanged at parties and ceremonies.

“Be there for them,” Chris answers immediately, and Kevin can tell that he’s been thinking about it. “That is the only thing you can do.”

“I’m trying,” Kevin sighed. “I just hope one of them can be here for me when I crash.”

“If you need me, I’m here.”

Hours later, Kevin hangs up the phone. He has to admit, he feels much better.

* * *

Nick calls him on the weekend after the Teen Choice Awards because he and Aaron are planning a friendly get together. Since Kevin doesn’t want to have any of the group out of his sight for longer than a week, he agrees to go. He’s surprised to see that *N Sync is also there, but manages to mask his shock fairly quickly.

He’s glad that they’re there. He can thank Chris in person for listening to him.

The evening goes fairly quickly, and by nightfall they’ve all moved to the pool. Aaron is playing with Chris and Kevin smiles. Chris is great with kids, Kevin knows. He’s seen the footage of *N Sync’s early days, he remembers Chris at that first basketball game when the groups finally meet. Chris has always been like a big kid.

Kevin is happy just watching. Sometimes, he wishes he hadn’t been such a jerk at the beginning, especially when he sees his friends laughing. Maybe if they had more friends, more people to confide in, AJ wouldn’t have ended up in rehab.

Kevin is still thinking about that when Aaron manages to trip Chris and send him straight into the pool. Everyone laughs, Chris laughs, but Kevin can’t find the breath to follow their example. He’s trying not to focus on how Chris’s wet clothes cling to his body, the baby blue shirt with the legend ‘Made in Heaven’ becoming see-through.

Kevin bites his lip. The scene is eerily familiar, but he’s not going to say anything. He doesn’t want to explain to Chris what some of his dreams are about.

Chris takes off his shirt, and Kevin forgets all about his night dreams. He’s too focused on the angry gash on Chris’s back. It’s a scar, across his right shoulder blade, ragged and red.

“Don’t stare,” Joey says, sitting next to him. His eyes look angry, but Kevin knows the anger is not directed at him. The anger is directed to whatever caused that wound. “He doesn’t like it when people stare at it.”

“How did that happen?” Kevin whispers, forcing himself not to look towards Chris, who is laughing and threatening to throw Aaron and Nick into the pool.

“We don’t know,” Joey tells him, and Kevin can see in his eyes that he’s telling the truth. “He’s had it for as long as we have known him. And well, you know. We don’t ask. It’s better to do that with Chris. We don’t ask about his back, the same way we don’t ask how he always manages to get the same blueberry-scented shampoo no matter where we are.”

Kevin knows, and even when he’s dying to know what happened, he doesn’t ask anything, and when Chris comes bouncing in their direction, a butterfly flying around his head, Kevin doesn’t mention the scar.

Now that he has seen it, however, he can’t forget it’s there.

* * *

“Brian, since when have you guys know I’m gay?” Kevin asks, casually one morning. They’re cleaning his house after AJ’s ‘welcome back’ reunion, and everyone else is asleep. AJ looks better, and for that Kevin is grateful.

They’re surviving.

“What?” Brian tries to look surprised, but his voice is tinted with amusement. “Now you’re accepting it?”

“It’s stupid to pretend you guys don’t know,” Kevin shrugs, putting the soda and the water in the refrigerator. It’s true too. They all have joked around, teased him with the way he looks at Chris. He has never asked when they figured it out, first because saying something would’ve been like accepting they were right, and later because they didn’t need a confirmation. “I am not going to talk about it on MTV, but I’m tired of the lies between us.”

“I’ve known since you finished high school,” Brian is smiling, and that takes a huge weight from Kevin’s chest. “I saw how you looked at your team captain. The others realized when Howie introduced us to Chris.”

“That long ago?” Kevin remembers that day very clearly, almost as a photograph in his mind. Howie had been talking for weeks about Chris, and how it was unfair that Lou hadn’t wanted him for the group. When he invited his friend, Kevin had begged off the meeting, a little angry that Howie didn’t seem to see that if Chris had been in the group, either he or Brian wouldn’t have been in it. Kevin had decided to take a nap in his room, when a baseball broke the window and hit him, hard.

The next thing Kevin remembered that day was seeing Chris’s eyes, maple colored, worried, looking at him. From that moment, Kevin had been gone.

It had taken him a while to accept it, and now he wondered why. He had lost so much time pretending to hate Chris, just because Chris had never gone back to visit them after that day.

“Well, you have never been subtle,” Brian shakes his head, still smiling. “Between the glares, and the fact that you talk sometimes as if Chris was the only one in *N Sync, anyone would’ve noticed. Sometimes I wonder how come it hasn’t been published on a gossip magazine. And there was your crazy theory too.”

“My crazy theory?” Kevin frowns. He doesn’t know what Brian is talking about.

“Yeah, you know, the ‘Chris is an angel’ theory. I think you only mentioned it to me, but still, it was pretty far out.”

“I don’t believe in angels, Brian,” Kevin points out, confused.

“Well, your exact words were ‘Chris is a winged man who fell through my window’, but I shortened it a little,” Brian doesn’t look like he is joking, which worries Kevin. “You really don’t remember?”

Kevin shakes his head. “Not at all.”

“Well, it’s been a while since you mentioned it,” Brian shrugs. “It’s good to know you’ve left it behind, even when I really wanted to know where did you got the idea that Chris Kirkpatrick would look good with long hair and a poncho.”

Kevin doesn’t answer, because now he remembers one thing. He has dreamed with Chris with long hair.

But he is sure he has never mentioned those dreams to his cousin.

* * *

One thing Kevin has noticed after years of watching *N Sync is that they’re as united as the Backstreet Boys, or maybe even more. It’s rare to see them on their own, even when they all have their own personal projects.

If he wants to get to know Chris better, first he has to make sure that the other four members of his group do not hate him. He knows it will not be an easy task, especially since he insulted the other group more times than he can count.

But Kevin is not a coward, he has never been one, so he starts with Lance. One of the advantages of working for the same label is that it is fairly easy to find out where everyone is staying, and that’s how he ends up in front of Lance’s house early in the morning.

“What are you doing here?” Lance asks when he opens the door. He doesn’t sound angry, just surprised.

“I needed to talk with you,” Kevin says, trying to keep his voice neutral. “I hope you’re not busy.”

“No, not at all, come on in.” Kevin is surprised, because even after so many years, he knows that Lance still is a little sore over all the things that were said. “Is there any problem?”

“No, I,” Kevin stops, not sure how to go on. It’s been a long time since they made peace with the other group, and he doesn’t want to open old wounds. “I came to apologize for all the things I said about you guys. I know it’s a little late, but…”

“You came to apologize?” Lance looks at him, curious. He doesn’t look angry. And suddenly, he starts to laugh. “Well, it was a long time ago, and it’s really all in the past, but you just made me lose fifty dollars.”

“What?” It is now Kevin’s turn to be confused. “How did I do that?”

“Back when we started,” Lance explains patiently. “Chris and I made a bet. He said that in time, all the ill feelings between you guys and us would be forgotten, and you would apologize. I told him that he was insane. But I’m glad I lost that bet.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long, though,” Kevin smiles. It makes him feel relieved to know that even then Chris trusted that Kevin would do the right thing.

“Hopefully Chris won’t want to collect interest,” Lance jokes. “Can I offer you something to drink?”

* * *

By the time Kevin has finished apologizing to Chris’s band mates – he didn’t go to Chris, he still didn’t feel ready to talk alone with Chris - he knows more about his unrequited crush than before, but he still knows very little.

After visiting Lance, Kevin went to see JC, and was surprised to meet AJ there. AJ and JC had become friends early on, and after the rehab center, AJ would drop by JC’s house when he had the time. JC had just broken up with his girlfriend, and he appreciated the company. Kevin spent a nice afternoon with them, after AJ joked that hell must have frozen over if he was apologizing. Somewhere after lunch, the subject of relationships came up, and JC mentioned that the only one who had any luck in that department were Joey and Brian. The rest were all doomed.

Kevin, trying to be subtle and earning a disbelieving look from AJ, had mentioned that Chris had lasted with his girlfriend for quite some time, but JC had shrugged that off. “She disappeared from Earth after they broke up,” JC explained. “Never called again.”

Much later, Kevin realized that he didn’t even remember the name of Chris’s ex.

Joey had been busy, taking his rare free time to take care of his daughter, but he had taken Kevin’s apology gracefully and made him promise that he would be present whenever Joey and Kelly decided to marry, if they decided to get married. When Kevin asked him why they were waiting, Joey told him it had been Chris’s advice. “Me and Kelly haven’t really lived together,” Joey said, smiling. “So we’re just making sure we can work out before making a mistake that could hurt Bri.”

Kevin thought it was a very good advice. It was just like Brian and Leighanne waiting before they had children.

Finding Justin proved to be a little harder, but a week later they bumped into each other in a club, and Kevin took the opportunity to buy him a drink. Justin had always been considered in the media as Chris’s best friend, and Kevin had the impression that if Justin didn’t like him, Chris wouldn’t even give him a chance.

He didn’t pretend to understand the relationship between the two. And after spending the night clubbing with Justin, he hadn’t a better grasp of it than before.

According to Justin, Chris was his best friend, advisor, older brother, and conscience all rolled into one. Kevin had always thought that it was Joey who took the role of the older brother in *N Sync, and now he is discovering that he was wrong. Despite appearances, despite the fact that Chris sometimes acted like a ten year old with sugar high, Chris was the one who looked after them all. Chris was the glue of the group, the one who had gotten them together, and the one who had kept them together for so long.

Remembering Chris’s advice about AJ, the way he always seemed to gravitate towards the Backstreet Boys when they needed a friendly ear, Kevin realized he also looked after the Backstreet Boys.

* * *

Kevin is looking for his tour bag, trying to prepare himself for the United We Stand concert. It has been a long time since they last shared a stage with *N Sync, and Kevin hates to admit that he is nervous. He apologized to everyone, except to Chris, and he can’t let this opportunity pass without talking to Chris.

But he is nervous and even though he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, he’s also afraid.

Trying to get to the farthest end of his closet, his hand brushes a hard surface. Curious, he follows the shape and brings out a wooden box with a heavy layer of dust on top of it. The box has been up there for more than a year, judging by the dust.

Kevin knows that box. His father taught him how to carve wood when he was younger, and the box had been one of the first things he did that he actually liked. Kevin hadn’t seen it in a long time.

The box has a lock that Kevin doesn’t remember putting there originally, but he knows he did. He does remember where the key for that lock is. He also knows what is inside.

His *N Sync cds. The ones he bought when he was in absolute denial of his feelings for Chris.

Now that they’re out in the open, Kevin figures that he should take the cds out and put them with the rest of his collection. He’s still missing Celebrity, after all.

But, as he puts the box down, dusting it before getting out of the closet, his hands tremble. The box feels too heavy for just three cds. There is something else inside, but Kevin doesn’t remember putting anything else on it.

An hour later, Kevin leaves the house. The box is back on its place, hidden from everyone, still locked.

Kevin knows he can buy another copy of *N Sync’s albums if he wants to.

* * *

Coming out to his mother on Christmas hadn’t been the perfect plan, but Kevin hadn’t been able to stop himself when she asked him about a new girlfriend. She hadn’t been angry, but she wasn’t exactly happy. Trying to keep the rest of the reunion peaceful, Kevin started to spend a lot of time avoiding his mother, sitting at the piano, playing softly.

Just like last Christmas, he couldn’t help but feel that something very important was missing. He felt depressed and lonely. Even when he called his friends, he couldn’t lift the heaviness from his heart.

There was something else in his mind, as he plays a very slow version of I believe I can fly. The wooden box he found in his closet that is now in the bottom of his suitcase because even when he doesn’t want to open it, he needs to know it’s near. He can’t stop thinking about it.

He doesn’t know why, but he feels that if he does open it, something will change.

He raises his head, in time to see a shadow through the window. It looks like a bird, flying away.

Kevin realizes that he is crying again.

* * *

 _Justin is growing up._

 _That shouldn’t be important, that is what they do. But soon someone will notice that I do not grow old. Since deciding to come down, I have been limited in my capacity of changing my shape. I can’t look older than thirty, and after three years looking the same, it’s time to move on._

 _I can’t stay solid if I want to keep watching Justin. I can’t stay around any of them anyway, since it’s been explained to me that erasing my existence from everyone in the world wouldn’t be practical. When it’s my time to leave, people probably will remember that Chris Kirkpatrick died in an accident. Car accident, probably helping someone. It wouldn’t be so bad, if it wasn’t because I know it will hurt my friends._

 _But it is better for them to forget, or to think I’m gone. Kevin taught me that._

 _Now that he doesn’t remember me, he is happier. He is friendlier. He even smiles at me sometimes, although his smiles still seem sad to me. The guardians of the others say that he is coming around. After what happened to AJ, Kevin seems to be more willing to believe. AJ’s guardian says that he thinks soon there will be someone being transferred to take care of Kevin._

 _Still, the other guardians think I have gone insane. Think I’ll end up cast out, because I care too much for Kevin. Because I care for all of them, and sometimes, I bend the rules just a little bit. We can’t tell them what to do. We can’t force them to do anything they don’t want. We just can guide, give options._

 _I’ve done more than just little pushes. Like taking AJ’s cigarettes away. I didn’t do it because I liked to annoy him, or because it was a way to make him laugh. I did it because I knew they were the first step that would take him on his road, and I tried to delay that as long as I could._

 _His guardian thanked me later. We both knew it was not going to work for long, but she thanked me anyway. Even when I did break every rule we had by telling Kevin to keep an eye on him, even when there was still the chance that the order would come down that we had to take AJ away then, I couldn’t do it. I had to take the chance and help them save AJ._

 _But when I get my new mission, I’ll ask to be far away from here. I’ll miss them, I know. But I also know I couldn’t bear to be near Kevin and not try to help him. I know now I wish I could be with him. I can’t keep helping him, no matter how much I want to. The rules are clear. I could help him if he had a guardian, just as I help all the others. Danielle used to complain that with me around, the guardians of the other four didn’t need to be there. But we can’t touch the ones who are alone. Faith doesn’t need proof. And our help is always proof._

 _It’ll be better for him if I’m not around. Because if I’m still around when I have a new charge, or, even worse, if my new mission doesn’t involve being someone’s guardian, I could end up doing something stupid._

 _I could end up hurting him more._

* * *

They are leaving their hotel for the next stop of their make up dates. Kevin is now feeling better, with his friends, on the road, he can feel almost normal. He looks around trying to confirm everyone is getting to the bus, when he sees a familiar blonde waving at him.

At first, she only looks familiar. It’s not until she calls his name when he realizes that he’s seeing Dani, Chris’s ex-girlfriend.

“Do you have a minute?” She asks, and Kevin wonders how she managed to get past security but nods. He signals his bodyguard that he’ll take a minute and walks with her to a more private corner.

“What can I do for you?”

“I know you think I don’t like you,” she says, without preamble. “You think I’ve never liked you, and you have always been rude to me.”

“I’m sorry about that,” Kevin is confused. He remembers that Dani was always glaring at him, back when he spoke ill of Chris. How he managed to forget that, he doesn’t know. “But I don’t understand why you are telling me this now.”

“It was now or never,” Dani closes her eyes for a moment, sighing. “I just came to tell you that you’re hurting him. And if you do not want to lose him, it’s time you face your fears.”

“What?” Kevin frowns. He never figured Chris would date someone who was, apparently, not right in the head.

“If you don’t face your fears, Mr. Richardson, and start letting yourself believe, you’re going to lose everything,” she answers, turning away. “Your choice.”

It’s not until she’s lost in the crowd when Kevin realizes what she means, even when it makes no sense.

She was talking about the box.

* * *

Kevin had stopped believing in anything he had no real proof of when his father died, and nothing his family said had helped make him change his mind. Which was why it seemed strange to Kevin when Brian told him that Kevin had believed Chris was an angel.

That was impossible. Chris couldn’t be an angel because angels didn’t exist. And there was no reason for Kevin to believe that Chris was an angel, even if Chris was always there when Kevin had needed him, no matter if sometimes, his memories about Chris seemed hazy and confusing.

He didn’t remember when he met Chris. Kevin was practically sure that the first time he had seen Chris had been that day in Germany, when *N Sync had performed and Kevin had…

Kevin had recognized Chris. Even if he didn’t really remember meeting him before, Kevin had recognized Chris back then. And that wasn’t the only conflicting memory he had.

Sometimes, Kevin was sure Chris had been with them during the first year, when the group had just formed. Even though that was impossible, Kevin couldn’t get the image of Chris, sitting on the bleachers of the basketball court where they rehearsed, dressed in one of Howie’s old ponchos and smiling to them.

He could almost see Chris smile when he tried to grasp those memories that couldn’t be. Almost smell the faint scent of honey and blueberries that always was around Chris, no matter how much he had been sweating, or how many smokers were in the room. Almost hear the birds which followed Chris singing.

The one thing he couldn’t conjure in those memories was Chris’s voice.

And then, there were the dreams. Chris was a recurrent guest star in Kevin’s dreams, always watching, always smiling. But in those dreams, Chris never spoke. He only listened to Kevin, sometimes in the past, sometimes in the present.

Sometimes, Chris had wings. And every morning after having one of those dreams, Kevin felt a little better.

Maybe Chris wasn’t an angel, but deep in his heart, Kevin believed Chris was his angel.

Even if it was only in his dreams

* * *

Kevin knows he is dreaming when he opens his bedroom door and finds himself in his *old* bedroom. The one in the house where everything began, where he supposedly had the accident with the baseball bat the day when he theoretically met Chris.

Chris is sitting on Kevin’s bed. His hair is long, longer than Kevin has ever seen it, and he’s wearing a white toga. Chris isn’t smiling, and that’s a new development in Kevin’s dreams. Chris was always smiling before.

Chris has wings again, white, perfect wings on his back.

Kevin sits next to him, slowly, afraid that Chris will go away, flying like a scared sparrow. Chris only looks at him, waiting for Kevin to say something.

“This is a dream,” Kevin says, after a long silence. “Isn’t it?”

“It could be a dream, or a memory, or you’re going insane,” Chris answers. It’s not an answer Chris would give, and Kevin knows that.

It is a dream, and the Chris in front of him was created by his mind.

“I am not insane,” Kevin says. “But this isn’t a memory.”

“So it is a dream then,” Chris smiles slightly. It’s a smile Kevin knows well, the smile that Chris always had when he watched Kevin during the awards ceremonies, which told Kevin that Chris knew something no one else did. The smile that made Kevin angry, and made him want to talk to Chris one night.

“No,” Kevin shakes his head, surprising himself. He is sure of what he is saying, even in a dream. “It’s just wrong. Your wing was broken last time.”

Chris smile grows brighter, and suddenly Kevin knows. He understands that the dreams are a memory, and what he forgot.

It is then when he wakes up. For one brief second, all the details of his dream are crystal clear. He knows the truth.

Kevin blinks, and like all dreams, it is gone from his memory. It is not the first time it happens, that he wakes up not knowing what he dreamt.

Only this time, he doesn’t cry at the loss of the wonderful feeling he had while asleep. This time, he smiles.

There’s one thing that he remembers. The answer is in his hands, he just has to find it.

“Kev?” AJ knocks on the bus door. It’s time for the last leg of the make up dates after the Black and Blue tour had to be postponed. “We’re leaving.”

“I’ll be down in a minute,” Kevin answers. He has a feeling he know where the answer to his questions is.

He just needs to believe.

* * *

Once in his bus, Kevin gets it out from its hiding place. He remembers a time when the box was with him at all times, before he locked it that last time. That eases his mind a little bit. If he used to open it a lot, and he now remembers he did, there is nothing to be afraid of inside.

The bus starts to move. Kevin gets the key out from his bag and, gathering his courage, opens the lock and the box.

The first thing Kevin notices is that the box smells like blueberries. It’s a strong scent that permeates everything as soon as the box is open. It’s a sweet scent, a scent that Kevin had felt before.

The first thing inside the box is a picture of a park. There’s nothing on the picture, just a couple of trees and flowers. Kevin knows that park, It wasn’t too far away from the house where they lived when it all began. Where he met Chris. The photo looks strange, empty, and Kevin can’t help but feel that there’s something missing on it.

Under the photo, Kevin sees feathers, small, white feathers.

Curious, he moves his hand to touch them. They’re soft, like silk, like cotton. Kevin closes his eyes, bringing one to his face. The feathers smell like blueberries and honey.

They smell like Chris, Kevin realizes.

And with that thought, it’s as if a door opens in his mind. Now, Kevin remembers.

* * *

It was raining when he met Chris. It was not a baseball ball that broke his window. It had been Chris, hurt, and scared.

 _“Once I ran through a window because I was watching someone I *really* liked. I didn’t even notice the window until I started to bleed.”_

Chris always smiled, always listened. Chris was always surrounded by butterflies, and Kevin had fallen in love under the pretense of keeping an eye on his secret.

 _“I’m starting to think you like Chris.”_

Chris had kissed him, under the mistletoe and his wings. A soft, innocent kiss that tasted like everything Kevin had ever wanted.

 _“You’ve got mistletoe on you.”_

Then Chris had left him, with no warning, and Kevin had been so hurt that all that pain in his heart had turned into anger when he had seen Chris again.

Everyone had forgotten Chris. Everyone except him.

Kevin now knew that Chris had wanted him to remember.

But Kevin hadn’t been able to ask him the truth.

 _“I mean, why *N Sync? Why here?”_

 _“You’re not the only one with dreams, Kevin,”_

Even when Chris told them the truth.

 _“I flew here as soon as I heard,”_

Chris could fly.

Chris always had a smile for him, a special, secret gesture that it was only for Kevin because only Kevin knew the truth, even when he didn’t tell Chris.

And then Kevin had done something stupid.

 _“I wish I could just forget all about you.”_

* * *

It takes Kevin a week and two hours to see Chris. After his mind got bombarded by the memories he had blindly asked to be removed, he hadn’t been able to think about anything else.

Unless he was mistaken, Chris felt the same for him. It was the only reason Kevin could think to explain why he hadn’t lost his memories the first time, why Chris had waited until Kevin asked for them to disappear.

He had a loosely made plan of dropping everything to go and find out where *N Sync was supposed to be, because he needed to talk with Chris, openly and without riddles, when Nick invited him to go and watch the Rock and Jock game organized by MTV.

“Chris is going to be there,” Nick says, knowing fully well that Kevin will go if he asks. He didn’t need to add that particular fact.

Kevin goes to give Nick moral support. He enjoys the game, enjoys watching Chris, who is still wearing his hair short and Kevin really wants to know how he managed that when he can remember feeling his hair grow longer under his own fingers, and waits until everyone is getting ready to leave to go and talk with Chris.

“Hey, Chris. Do you have a minute?” He asks, trying to be casual even when his heart is beating faster every second.

“Sure, Kevin,” Chris’s smile is bright, but Kevin can see a bit of sadness in Chris’s eyes. Sadness that he fears he put there. “What’s up?”

“Not here,” Kevin motions towards the stairs of the stadium and Chris, puzzled follows him to the roof. It’s a lot like last time, Kevin thinks, and hopes that he will not mess things up now.

“Are you in some kind of trouble?” Chris asks when he realizes they’re alone. “I can help if you need me, but I would need to know what’s going on.”

“I remember,” Kevin whispers, looking at Chris. For a moment, it seems as if Chris doesn’t understand, so he clarifies. “I remember your wings… I remember you’re an angel.”

It is the first time Kevin says it out loud. It is also the first time that he believes it. There is no other explanation, and even if there was, Kevin knows deep in his heart that he is right. He had been wrong when he told Brian that there was nothing valuable in faith. Angels exist, and Chris is one of them.

“You don’t believe in angels, Kevin,” Chris answers, sadly. Kevin sighs, because he knows that Chris had been right.

“People change,” Kevin insists. “I might have some troubles accepting it’s true, but I remember everything Chris. And I don’t want to forget it again.”

Chris looks down to the ground, and Kevin realizes he knows that expression. Chris never looked at them in the eye when he couldn’t give a straight answer.

“You will,” Chris finally says, his voice a low whisper. “When it’s time for me to go, you will forget.”

“I didn’t last time,” Kevin points out. He walks towards Chris, trying to stay confident of his theories. He knows he’s taking a risk, but for the first time, he’s not really afraid.

Someone had told him to face his fears, and he was doing it. He wishes he could remember who told him that.

Chris looks at him, and Kevin feels his heartbeat accelerating. Chris’s eyes are full of hope, and sadness, and love. “It’s not my choice, Kevin. You will forget, even if I don’t want you to. That’s the way it goes.”

Kevin closes his eyes briefly, trying to put some order to his thoughts. He has been thinking about Chris, about what Chris is since he remembered, and while there are things that make no sense, he is starting to believe that maybe they don’t need to make sense.

“I’m guessing that angels don’t fly through windows very often,” he says, not without some sad humor. “Ever since we met, there have been things happening that I guess are not the way they’re supposed to go.”

“Some,” Chris concedes. He is now watching Kevin intently, and Kevin knows that it is a test. Chris is waiting for him to say or do something.

“I still don’t know why you crashed through my window,” Kevin says after a while. “But I really don’t care. Back then I needed the world to make sense. It wasn’t until I remembered that I realized that sometimes, we just need to take things as they come. If I hadn’t spent so much time trying to explain you, I would have realized sooner that I love you.”

Chris’s eyes open wide with surprise. Kevin is surprised himself. He never thought he would have the courage to say those words out loud.

“I was looking at you,” Chris whispers, so softly and so shyly that it’s almost unrecognizable as Chris. “When I crashed. I just don’t know how that happened either.”

Encouraged, Kevin touches Chris’s cheek, and, very slowly, giving Chris the chance to back off if he wants, Chris doesn’t move, so Kevin lowers his head until he can touch Chris’s lips with his own.

Chris’s lips feel as soft as Kevin remembers, and still taste like honey. Honey and blueberries, and Kevin starts deepening the kiss, fully aware that if Brian was there, he would’ve worrying about Kevin getting struck by lighting for daring to tease Chris’s lips open with his tongue.

The sky is clear, and Chris is embracing him, and Kevin simply doesn’t want to open his eyes because the last time he did, he forgot Chris, and he doesn’t want to forget. He doesn’t want to spend another year feeling lost and empty.

When they part, Chris is smiling.

“I love you, too.”

Epilogue.

 

Danielle watches over JC, invisible, perched on top of the speakers. She always finds it amazing how JC could take something considered dirty and perverted by most men and turn it into the beauty of music. She still doesn’t approve, but it’s not her place to judge. Times have changed, they’ve told her, and JC is definitely on the good list.

She looks over the audience, to the girls screaming excitedly, the ones who bob their heads to the music, and smiles on seeing Chris. He’s visible, of course, still doing his job the hard way, keeping Justin under close watch even when Justin doesn’t know. Chris has always been a strange one, which is why Danielle is his friend. He makes her laugh. Next to him, she sees Kevin Richardson.

Kevin looks as happy as Chris. Danielle smiles.

Before JC, she had another charge. She had loved him deeply, watched over him and his family, his wife and his children. She had cried when he died, because his death left his children without a father. His youngest son lost his faith, lost his happiness, and his guardian because rules were clear. Without faith, humans couldn’t be guarded.

Danielle had been glad that her transfer sent her to JC, because that meant she didn’t had to see Kevin’s heartbroken face anymore. She had thought that no one would be able to show Kevin that magic, and wonders, and faith still had a place in the world, but she had prayed, and begged to all those over her that they would find the way. That Kevin could find happiness again.

She never thought it would be with Chris.

She sees Kevin lower his head, as if to whisper something in Chris’s ear. Chris blushes. Danielle knows that, as soon as they know that no one is watching, they will kiss.

Behind them, she sees Kevin’s new guardian. He’s still training, Kevin is just his second assignment, but Danielle knows he’ll be fine. Chris will help him all the way, just as he did with her, with Joey, Lance, AJ, Howie, Brian, and Nick’s guardians.

Later, when Kevin is asleep, she’ll go and visit Chris. She has good news for him. He will not be transferred, he’ll be allowed to stay with Justin for as long as he wants. They will let him grow old, and stay with Kevin, as long as Kevin loves him and Chris keeps doing his job with Justin. She knows it will be a long time, because Chris has never stopped watching Justin, and Kevin will never stop loving Chris.


End file.
